De-cruited
by thewhitepatch
Summary: After the defeat of Grima, Robin has been tasked with firing the different Shepherds. Join him as he lets each of them down as easily as he can.
1. Lissa

_This story is inspired by the "Ex-Men" skits from the Pete Holmes Show. It involved Professor X evaluating different X-Men and letting them go them._

_I'm doing the same for Robin and the Shepards. I'm not gonna promise that they all will make sense, or that they will all be funny, or that they will all be good, or that they will be consistent (As I get to the end of the list, I may say that some people are worse than people who have already been fired, so this is all isolated). I do promise that I will do them all. In an order._

_Alright. Let's start with Lissa!_

* * *

Robin sat behind his desk in his office, a bored expression on his face. Across from him sat Lissa, who was politely smiling at him. They sat in silence for a few minutes until Robin broke the ice.

"How are you sitting down?" He asked.

"What?" Lissa asked, surprised.

"Your dress is this weird, metal, puffy...thing. There's no way for you to sit your butt down on the chair without moving the entire case." Robin said. he looked down at the dress. "Is the chair...under all of that?"

"No!" Lissa replied, slightly annoyed. "I moved the chair. I'm sitting on a stool."

"Ah. That makes sense." Rodin said. "By which I mean it makes no sense at all! I understand if you needed to wear it for combat! You probably have to hold up some royal stature on the battlefield, and not all of us can have our capes blow heroically in the wind like Chrom. God knows Cynthia's tried." He muttered. "This isn't combat! You can wear something normal!"

"But I'm a Shepherd!" Lissa retorted. "I need to be ready for battle whenever it happens! Why are you so caught up about this? Is this why you called me down?"

"Good point." Robin commented. "Let's get down to business. You're fired."

"...WHAT?!" Lissa shouted. "Why?!"

"Because you're useless in battle!" Robin said.

"I heal people!" Lissa said.

"You know who else can heal people? A bunch of other people, who are also able to kick insane amounts of ass! Anna! Rickon! Stupid, sexy Libra…" Robin muttered to himself.

"W-Well, I could become a War Clerc!" Lissa said.

"Right. With your striking force, I'm sure the enemy will be cowering with fear. A leaf blown in the wind could do more damage than you!" Robin said. "I want soldiers who can hold their own, not people who spend so much time with bodyguards they end up marrying them." He paused. "Congrat to you and Frederick, by the way."

"..." Lissa glared at him.

"Also, you're royalty. Your older sister is dead...ish. I don't think she's fit to rule the way she is now. Chrom is pretty badass, but if he fell in battle, you would be the only one left to be Exalt. I'm thinking responsibly here." Robin said.

"But I wanna be a Shepard!" Lissa exclaimed.

"You were a Shepherd. And you helped kill a demon-dragon-god...thing." Robin said. "So that's a good place to end things, I'd say."

"But...But…" Lissa stuttered, but Robin had already begun to wake her off.

"Alright, bye now." He muttered, looking at a folder. "Leave before I melt you with my fire magic. You could probably heal yourself it that happened. Actually you can't, which is also pretty annoying." A pastry hit Robin's head as Lissa stormed out the door.

Robin held the frosted cake in his hand.

"You gonna finish that?"

"NAGA!" Robin yelped in surprise. He dropped the cupcake. Gaius picked it up and ran out of the room.

"...Dick."

* * *

_Ok. That's one down. A lot more to go._

_I actually like Lissa in the game. She's helpful in the earlier missions, but I kinda switched out the earlier healers got the combat healers. At least I like her as a person. Wait till we get to Maribelle, that'll be fun._

_Up next: Frederick!_


	2. Frederick

_Also, quick heads up, most of these are gonna be pretty short._

* * *

"Hello, Frederick." Robin said to the Great Knight.

"Good day, Robin." He replied. The two sat there for a few seconds.

"So." Robin said. "Let's see your résumé. You can ride a horse and use a sword. Or a sphere, whatever you want." He closed the folder. "What would you say makes you stand out from the other people who ride horses and use weapons? Or the people who ride horses but use magic? Or the people who use weapons but ride dragons? Or the people who are fucking dragons?"

Frederick sat calmly through Robin's questions. "I believe my loyalty to the royal family makes me a valuable addition to the Shepherds."

"You mean made." Robin said. "You aren't a Shepherd anymore."

"What?!" Frederick shouted. "By whose authority?!"

"Mine." Robin replied. "Which was given to me by the Exalt."

"Oh." Frederick replied, sitting back down.

"The Exult also told me to tell you to take off your pants and twerk like a madman." Robin said.

Frederick sighed and began to take off his armor. Robin stopped him right away.

"No. No. No. Don't. You actually think Chrom told me that? Naga, Freddy, that's…" Robin tried to find a word, then sighed. "You are way too obsessed with following the rules."

"Of course." Frederick said. "Why would they be there if not to be followed?"

"No, I get SOME of the rules." Robin said. "What I mean is that you take away any leeway you would be able to give yourself to relax."

"Lissa has been teaching me to-"

"I don't want to know about your sex life, Fred!" Robin exclaimed. "Given how you seem to act around royalty, I can't imagine what happens in the bedroom between you and Lissa! Is she on top?"

"Please stop this line of questioning." Frederick said.

"You brought it up!" Robin exclaimed. "Anyway, you're still knight captain or whatever you were, but you aren't a Shepard. So get out."

Frederick sighed and began to walk out of the office.

"Wait. Frederick." Robin said.

Frederick turned around hopefully.

"Walk out of here moonwalking and holding your crouch." Robin said.

"Why would I do such a thing?!" Frederick exclaimed.

"Because I'm married to royalty." Robin replied, waving the hand with his wedding ring on it. "Now, dance monkey!"

Frederick, with tears forming in his eyes, began dancing out of the room. Robin leaned back in his chair and laughed to himself.

* * *

_You'll figure out all the ships as we go along._

_Next up: Sully!_


	3. Sully

_I'm gonna be a bit casual with some swears, but not others. You'll see what I mean soon._

* * *

"You're firing me?!" Sully shouted.

Robin unplugged his ears. "Yup. Because you're useless."

"I have my uses, you piece of crap!" She shouted at him. "I'll show you! Throw down! Right now!" She attempted to flip over the desk.

Robin pushed down on the table, preventing her from flipping it. "Hey! This has all my strategy stuff on it!"

"Fight me!" Sully snarled.

"NO! This is exactly why I'm firing you! You're too hostile! We have plenty of other people with the same skills as you, so you won't be missed."

"I will tear your dick off!"

"...Not helping, Sully." Robin said. "Look, You still get to be a knight, but I think that, if you want to be a Shepard, you gotta be willing to be kind to people."

Sully calmed down. "Well, I suppose-"

"Also, your horse is an asshole!" Robin said. "Seriously! I'm thinking maybe we take it on a trip to the glue factory, let nature happen! It has an irrational hatred of me ever since that time you were bathing!"

"WHAT?!"

"Oh, no. Vaike was watching you. I'll get to him later. In the mean time, get out of my office. Otherwise I'll make it mandatory that you wash your mouth with soap, since you're always swearing!" Robin paused. "They aren't really that bad of swears. Tell me the worst word you know."

"...DamnHellCrap…" Sully muttered.

"That's just a combination of all the swears you know." Robin said. "What about 'shit?' 'Fuck'? The n-word? The c-word?"

"I wouldn't use those words! They offend people!" Sully commented.

"If you're gonna be vulgar, you have to commit." Robin said. "Now, get out of my office. I'll magic you if you don't." He said, waving Sully off.

She glared at him and left the office.

"...I probably shouldn't leave to office for a few hours. Or days. She might try to kill me later…" Robin muttered.

* * *

_Those words aren't what you think._

_Up next: Virion!_


	4. Virion

_The length of these is really going to depend on the character. This one is a bit longer then the others. _

* * *

Robin glared at Virion, who was seated across from him.

"Is there something wrong, my good tactician?" Virion asked.

"...I'm thinking about letting you go." Robin replied.

"What?!" Virion exclaimed. "Do explain, old friend!"

"I'm a bit conflicted about it, though." Robin said. "On one hand, you are extremely skilled. I could send you against a squad of soldiers, riders, Risen, all by yourself. You could shoot an arrow into the air and kill all of them in one shot. Just like Legolas…" He muttered.

"Who?" Virion asked.

Robin ignored him. "On the other hand, you are a huge asshole."

"I beg you pardon?!" Viron exclaimed. "Please enlighten me on this most poorly based judgment on my character!"

"See, it's shit like that that makes you look like an asshole." Robin said. "That sentence could have been much shorter than it actually was. Also, I've decided to fire you. Not on the fence about it anymore."

"But-But I am Duke Virion! The Greatest Archer who ever lived! Swooner of Women from different sides of the world! The most marvelous thing to ever set foot upon the face of the planet!"

"Still making yourself sound like an asshole." Robin commented. "I mean, I know you're skilled, and you can prove most of the claims you make, although I can't speak for the swooning thing." He paused. "Actually, in my opinion, most of the other male Shepherds would kick your ass in picking up women. Hell, even Inigo could, if he flaunted around more of that inner tragic hero stuff he has all bottled up."

"But...But…" Virion stuttered.

"Also, aren't you a duke? What are you even still doing here? Go back to Roxanna or wherever you come from!"

"Rosanne." Virion corrected.

"I really don't give a crap. I mean, I know the people there kinda hate you because you are an asshole who is kinda full of himself."

"But I did it to protect them!" Virion exclaimed.

"If you just told people that, I'm positive you would be swimming in pussy. I've always found it pretty ironic how the people who claim to be ladykillers never use the attributes they have that could pick up women to pick up women, and instead insist on use foppish personas to pick women up. Kinda like Bruce Wayne…" He stared intently at Virion. "Are you Batman?"

"Who is Batman?" Virion asked.

"No, wait. Gerome is Batman." Robin said, shaking his head. "Now, get out of here. You have people to take care of. Or ignore. Or bang." Robin paused as Virion began to walk out the door. "Wait. I've never seen you and Gerome in the same place. Are you Gerome?"

Virion was already gone.

"Fine. You can be Green Arrow!" Robin shouted after the duke. "Like Batman, but not nearly as cool. Also, he's kinda a dick. This is actually a really good comparison. I'm surprised that I didn't think of it before."

* * *

_I don't know why Robin is talking about superheros. Just suspend your disbelief for the sake of comedy._

_Up next: Stahl_


	5. Stahl

_I should mention now, I'm basing all the pairings off of my first play through of the game. That also applies to recruits. I am going to include some of the recruits I didn't get, but I'm also going to cut the ones I didn't. They are still gonna have chapters. You'll see._

* * *

Robin looked at Stahl, who was sitting across from him, smiling.

"What seems to be the problem, Robin?" Stahl asked.

"I'm letting you go." Robin replied.

"Huh." Stahl frowned at the tactician. "Why?"

Robin looked at him. "You seem to be taking it pretty well."

"Well, you might have a good reason." Stahl replied.

"Alright." Robin said. "It's just that, as Shepherds, we should aim to be more than ordinary. Like our namesake, Commander Shepherd."

"I...I don't think we were named after a Commander, Robin." Stahl said.

"I know that!" Robin exclaimed. "That's one of your problems! You're just too...ordinary! Too plain! This conversation isn't as interesting as other ones! Frederick was nearly twerking at this point!"

"W-What?" Stahl stuttered.

"Look, you know that you are pretty ordinary. We have far more interesting people on the team then you. You don't compare to the dragons or wizards or people who can turn into dragons."

"Wait, have you only been firing people who don't have magical powers?" Stahl asked. "You're the guys in charge of making all our strategies. Are you unaware of the weapon triangle?"

"It's stuff like that that makes you seem so boring!" Robin exclaimed. "I mean, what the hell is a weapon triangle? It sounds pretty stupid! You wanna know what my weapon triangle is?" He counted it off. "Dragon, bunny…" He looked at the third finger. "...Uh...Badass magic! The three-way of death! Nothing can beat my strategic mind! I AM A MASTER TACTICIAN!"

Robin stood on his desk as he shouted this proclamation. Stahl stared at him, an awkward silence filling the air.

"...Actually, I think I might ask to resign from my duties." Stahl said. "I don't really trust you with my life."

"..." Robin got off of the desk and sat down. "Fair enough. Have a nice day, Stahl."

* * *

_Robin's kinda a dick._

_Up next: Miriel!_


	6. Miriel

_Like I said, these are going to be hit or miss._

* * *

"Ok. Miriel." Robin said, looking at the mage sitting across from him. "Normally, I would like to keep all the magic users on our team, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to let you go."

"Really?" Miriel asked, with an expression that was both emotionless and curious. "Why would that be?"

Robin looked at her, surprised. "You're also taking it pretty well. No wonder you and Stahl got together…"

"Did you fire him too?" She asked.

"Yes. He's too plain. I want the Shepherds to be great, not ordinary."

Miriel looked at the tactician, studying him. Robin squirmed under her gaze.

"I don't believe that." Miriel said. "If that were the case, why would you be firing me?"

"Because you are almost as sociopathic as Henry!" Robin exclaimed.

"You appear to be grasping at straws." She said calmly.

"No! I mean," Robin stuttered. "You control it pretty well, like Sherlock, but I'm pretty sure you wouldn't bat an eye if somebody were to die in front of you!"

"Is that not what we are supposed to do?" Miriel asked. "As Shepherds, we can't stop and cry every time somebody dies."

"...The Sherlock analogy was pretty good." Robin commented. "You're psychoanalyzing me. That's the problem with you. You seem to have the urge to make everything an experiment. It's pretty annoying. Yarne was complaining the other day that you wanted to dissect him in order to 'see the effects of a union between human and taguel.'"

"I told him I would only do it if he was dead." She said, then paused. "Although, knowing how nervous he tends to get, he might now think I am going to kill him."

"Don't take it personally. Kid's a pussy." Robin smirked.

"Who is dating your daughter."

His smile fell. "Don't remind me."

"Very well." Miriel said. "I do want to point out that Nah was much more cooperative in the regard of trans-species mating rituals."

"...That sounds much more dirty than it actually is, right?" Robin asked.

"It's just a blood sample." Miriel said. "I do not wish to have the conversation with Henry and Nowi about how exactly they intend to create her, but I will if it is for science."

"Well, there's one mental image I won't be able to unsee…" Robin muttered.

"On that note, I will take my leave." Miriel said, and stood up from her chair. "By the way, did you know that Stahl and I apparently had a son in the future?"

"O-oh." Robin stuttered. He knew. "Really?"

"Yes. Nah told me about him. I'm curious why he never showed up during the war."

"N-No need to worry about that!" Robin exclaimed nervously. "Now get out of my office or magic and...stuff…"

Miriel looked at him strangely, and left the office.

* * *

_I feel like I may have padded this one too much, but it ended on a strong note. _

_You do have a bit more information on the ships. I'n not gonna tell you all of them outright because where's the fun in that?_

_You can probably see where this is going, but it won't happen for a while._

_Up next: Vaike!_


	7. Vaike

_I like this one. _

* * *

Robin studied the shirtless man sitting across from him.

"...How small is your dick, anyway?" He asked.

"What!?" Vaike exclaimed. "What kind of question is that?!"

"Well, you are clearly overcompensating for something." Robin said. "You carry a huge axe and are obsessed with your physical health. Like I said, clearly you have a small dick."

"I'll have you know that, according to the ladies, ol' Teach's little soldier is enormous!" Vaike exclaimed.

"Ok, first off, what ladies?" Robin asked. "Secondly, who are you even teaching? Chrom? The other Shepherds? I have never seen you give anybody a lesson in anything!"

"Why are you questioning the ways of the Vaike?" Vaike asked, striking a pose.

"Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that." Robin said. "You're fired. Usually I open with that."

"WHAAAAAAAT?!" Vaike exclaimed, falling out of his dramatic pose. "Why would you do that?!"

"Because, quite frankly, you're an annoying asshole!" Robin replied. "You were useful early on, don't get me wrong. We would need a heavy hitter and you would do the...heavy hitting. Lately, though, I don't really see your point."

"What do you mean?!" Vaike shouted. "Ol' Teach can do a bunch of things for ya! Like, just tell the Valke-"

"For the love of all things that are good and holy, stop talking in the third person!" Robin exclaimed. "It makes no sense for you to do that. Gregor can do it, but Gregor is supposed to be German...or was it Russian…Maybe Hulkish. Look, I'm not gonna get caught up in all the accents going on here. Point is, your annoyingness outweighs your use to the Shepherds."

"But the Vaike wants to be a hero!"

"You already helped us win two wars." Robin said. "I think you can live off of that glory."

Vaike stormed toward the door.

"I'll show you to mess with the Vaike…" He muttered. "Ol' Teach and Robin are gonna have a bit of a sparring match next time they see one another…"

"That's nice." Robin muttered. "Get out before I hurt you with magic." Vaike walked out the door. "Also," Robin called after him. "Could you tell Sully to leave the castle? I'm not coming out as long as she's out there. I've been stuck in this office for days. out of fear, and I'm running out of rations…"

* * *

_It's a callback..._

_Like I said, no continuity. There might be some continuity, but don't hold me to it._

_Up next: Sumia!_


	8. Sumia

"So, you seduced Chrom with pies?" Robin asked.

"He said they were tasty…" Sumia muttered.

"..." Robin glared at the woman in front of him. "I'm afraid we're gonna have to let you go."

"What-What do you mean?!" Sumia stuttered.

"You're fired. From the Shepherds." He replied. "Although, now that I think about it, you are married to the king, so I'm surprised that you don't already know that."

"Why am I fired?" Sumia asked.

"Personal reasons aside, you are absolutely useless in combat." Robin said. "You're always the first person to fall in combat, no matter what we're fighting! I could stand it if it you slowly got better with experience, but it seems like you always need somebody by your side to help you! The only thing I think you contributed to our combat experience is the addition of Cynthia! Even she's annoying! And what's with all the tripping?! Is it supposed to make you charming or something?! Naga, I didn't realized I would be ranting this much about you, but here we are!" Robin exclaimed.

"...What did you mean, personal reasons?" Sumia asked.

"Well, I'm the kind of guy who really values friendship-"

"Which is why you're firing all of your friends." Sumia commented.

"...Two things. One: I want to be friends with people after this, but for some reason, all of them are kinda bitter." Robin said. "And two: it's too late to try to win me over by being snarky. You made this bed, so sleep in it."

"Why do you think I don't value friendship?" Sumia asked, any sadness or rage in her face being replaced with confusion.

"Well, you would you say you're best friend is?" Robin asked.

Sumia's face lit up. "Oh! Easy! Cordelia-" Her face fell. "Oh."

"Oh indeed." Robin said. "Your friend has been madly in love with a guy for years, which is something I'm pretty sure you already knew about. Then you come in with your pies and tripping and face-punching, and you hook up with the love of your best friend's life! Are you guys the kind of best friends that secretly hate each other? Best frenemies?"

"I'm not going to apologize for falling in love." Sumia said, glaring at Robin.

"I'm not saying that. What I am saying is that it may have been a tad...distasteful to make her your maid of honor…"

"...You might be right about that." Sumia admitted. "But she got over it." She blushed a bit.

"...Standing three-way offer?"

"She suggested it the moment me and Chrom got engaged." Sumia admitted.

Robin sighed. "I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. Now get out of here before I magic you. Your Highness." He shooed off Sumia.

She turned over to Robin at the door.

"Are you guys still coming over for dinner next Monday?" She asked.

"Of course, There's a reason Chrom fell in love with you over pies." Robin smiled at the queen. She smiled back and left his office. "That was pleasant. No death threats or swearing. Well, not on her part, anyway..." Robin made a face. "Then again, even without being in the Shepherds, she's still the fucking QUEEN. Not a lot to lose…"

* * *

_Sumia is not that great in combat, but she is a nice person. That puts her above...other characters. You could probably guess-_

* * *

"She could want to stay in combat." A voice said.

"NAGEN CROOL!" Robin shouted, falling back in his chair. "Who's there?!"

"Uh." Kellam stood in front of Robin. "Just me…You use the N-word and the C-word. I'm surprised."

"How long have you been here, Kellam?!" Robin asked.

"You called me up the other day. I've been here for a while, eating your candies." Kellam said.

"So that's where those have gone…" Robin muttered. "I was gonna blame Gaius, to be honest. Why didn't you tell me you were here?"

"Well," Kellam said. "You do some pretty fascinating stuff when you're alone. No really fascinating. More like...an accident that you just can't get your eyes off."

"...You didn't see the…" Robin said, glancing down at a draw in his desk. "What am I saying? You probably did…"

"I promise not to tell." Kellam said. "Although I assume you called me down to fire me…"

"What?" Robin said. "No way! In fact, I was going to ask you to reclass as a thief!"

"...Why would I do that?" Kellam asked.

"Because you're so sneaky!" Robin exclaimed. "I could use you for a ton of different spec-op missions! It would be awesome!"

"Actually," Kellam said, "I was wounding if I could take a leave of absence."

"What?" Robin said. "Why?"

"Because I realized that, I could live a much more interesting life given that people only noticed me when I attempt to draw attention to myself." Kellam replied.

"So, wait, let me get this straight." Robin said. "Are you telling me that, the only reason you are leaving the Shepherds is that you want to go out into the world and generally fuck with people?"

"More or less." Kellam replied.

Robin glared at him. "Kellam, you know I can't allow you to do that. As Shepherds, it is our utmost duty to stand guard over the people of our nation. If we were to ah AH HA HA HA!" Robin sunk down into his chair, laughing. He wiped away a tear. "I almost got through the whole thing. Sorry about that." He grinned at Kellam. "You completely have my blessing! So long as you promise to return with tales of your adventures!"

"Very well." Kellam said. "I'm surprised how open you are to letting me go."

"Well, I was probably going to have to let you go anyway." Robin admitted. "You aren't as good in combat as you used to be. Also, people have said that the women's bath house is haunted. You should probably get out of here before people connect the dots."

"Right." Kellam smiled, leaving the office. "Thanks for the warning."

"No problem, Kell." Robin said. "What a stand up guy! I mean, he is a pervert, a prankster, and he could become a serial killer. But still, he has a good sense of humor."

Robin sat there in silence for a few seconds.

"Well, do the thing! Chapter's over."

* * *

_Ok. Sorry about that interruption. I didn't notice he was there._

_I'm curious at what point I'll piss someone off. It's probably gonna happen at some point, since I'm doing all recruitable characters. I think the chances will increase when I get to the kids._


	9. Lon'qu

_I probably should have expected this to get harder, the more competent the person._

_Luckey, Lon'qu has an easily exploitable weakness!_

* * *

"..."

Robin looked at the silent swordsman. "Lonny, do you know why I called you here?" he asked.

"...Do not call me that." Lon'qu said.

"Lon-bon," Robin said, ignoring him, "I'm afraid that I'm probably gonna have to let you go. You're sword skills are extremely impressive. You're probably the most badass person I know. You are also like the Batman of this group."

"Who?" Lon'qu said. "And also?"

"The problem," Robin said, ignoring him yet again, "is that your fear of women makes it extremely difficult to pair you off with the other Shepherds. I mean, what if a healer is coming up to you, and you run away in fear? With a broken leg?"

"That is wrong." Lon'qu said. "I will defend anybody on the battlefield, regardless of gender. Ever since I got married, I've gotten better with women."

Robin pulled out a few sheets from under his desk. "Alright, if what you say is true, how do these make you feel?" He asked, holding up one of the sheets.

Lon'qu's eye's widened. "W-Why do you have that?" He stuttered.

"I wanted to see if you built up a tolerance." Robin replied.

"Why would I need to see- What does that even have to do with battle?!" Lon'qu stammered, nearly falling out of his chair.

"You never know what's gonna happen on the battlefield…" Robin replied.

"Who did you even get to pose for this!?"

"Wouldn't you like to know." Robin replied. "Does this make you feel uncomfortable?"

"Yes." Lon'qu replied. "But I'm sure, given the situation, it would make anybody uncomfortable. What does this have to do with battle?"

"Well," Robin explained. "If seems that your fear of women is pretty common knowledge. In my opinion, that's not good. It's like how everybody knows that Superman's weakness is Kryptonite. If I were him, I would keep that shit under wraps. You know what I'm saying?"

Lon'qu glared at Robin.

"...Right. Anyways, say some warlord hears about you leading a small force against his stronghold. If he needed to, he could litter his army with armed, nude women. While this would be distracting to most soldiers, it would completely incapacitate you."

"That hardly sounds convenient." Lon'qu commented. "If they were not armed, they could easily be taken out by arrow fire."

"Yeah, but if he wanted to take out the one Shepherd in the group, he would only need one." Robin said.

"If somebody were to approach me in combat, nude or not, I would…" Lon'qu paused. "...You know."

"Yup." Robin replied. "I needed to know what caused you to be afraid of women, so I asked around."

"Who told you?" Lon'qu asked.

"Her parents." Robin replied.

"...I understand what you are trying to say." Lon'qu admitted. "It would be difficult to have a powerful soldier with an obvious weakness. I will work to get rid of it."

"Good." Robin said. "Now, I can recommend a few places that can help you get over that fear." He handed Lon'qu a list. "Now, they aren't what you would call 100% legal, but they get the job done."

"I-I don't think Cordelia would approve of this…" The swordsman stuttered.

"Sure she would. Just talk to her about it. She'll understand." Robin replied. "Now go out there and get some pussy! Let me know when you got over it, cause you really are a badass swordsman that this team needs!"

Lon'qu left the office, and Robin sighed.

"Well, pulled that outta my ass." He looked at the sheet he showed Lon'qu. "How can she bend like that…?"

* * *

_Yup. Remember, not all good, but they will all be done._

_My system has been to make the interviewee crazy if possible, or, if they are too reasonable of a Shepherd, have Robin be the crazy one. It works pretty well._

_Up next: Maribelle_


	10. Maribelle

_Oh. This one. _

* * *

Robin sat across from a formal, well-dressed young woman, grinning like a madman.

"Is there any particular reason you summoned me down here, or did you just want to 'catch up,' as you would call it?" Maribelle asked.

Robin's grin broke with a fit of laughter, which confused the girl even more.

"Am I missing something here?" She asked, annoyed.

Robin managed to compose himself.

"Sorry about that." He said. "You are so fired."

"...WHAT?!" Maribelle exclaimed. "Explain yourself at once!"

"Alright." Robin said. "Let's start with the things I do like about you. Or, to be more realistic, the thing. I appreciate the fact that you ride a horse. I think it's smart, since you can easily travel around the battlefield, healing people and stuff. So, you know, I dig it."

"...What does this have to do with ditches?" She asked.

"Anyway, first question here: What in Naga's name is a Trobadour?"

"I-I don't have to answer that!" Maribelle exclaimed.

"I see." Robin said. "I expected that, but not with the hostility. I took the liberty of looking up what it means." Robin pulled out a scroll. "Apparently, it is a ' composer and performer of Old Occitan lyric poetry during the High Middle Ages."

"What in the world is an Old Occitan?" She asked.

"I figured you would know, since you named yourself that. I just copied this off of an encyclopedia." Robin admitted. "Going by that definition, you are in no means a Trobadour. For one thing, that's the masculine definition, so you would actually be referred to as…" Robin looked at the sheet again. "...a 'trobairitz. Shit, that's even harder to pronounce."

"I highly doubt that my title is a plausible reason for letting me go." Maribelle commented.

"Well, there's also the fact that you are useless in battle." Robin commented. "We already had Lissa, so why would be need you? I mean, aside from your horse. Like I told the good princess, we have plenty of healers on the team that can also kick a good amount of ass. Anna, Rickon, stupid, sexy Libra…" Robin muttered before zoning off. "...Where was I?"

"You were telling me off for being unable to participate in combat." Maribelle replied.

"Oh, right. Want to know a fun fact? When we saved you from Gangrel-"

"Why is that deplorable man even in our army?" Maribelle interrupted.

"You know, I've been asking Chrom the same question ever since we recruited him." Robin commented. "He kept saying stuff about 'giving him a second chance' and 'him wanting to help us.' I swear to Naga, somebody could get membership to the Shepherds for helping an old lady cross the street."

"So what are you saying about my imprisonment at the Mad King's hands?" Maribelle asked.

"Well, as I was saying, when we rescued you, I kinda assumed you were just some civilian we had to save. I didn't realize that you were actually going to join us. I honestly thought you were a groupie for the first few weeks you were with us."

Maribelle huffed. "I understand when I'm not wanted somewhere. I'll just go back to my noble lifestyle, without any worries in the world."

"I can respect that." Robin said.

"You shall not be invited to any gatherings I hold. If you are, I implore you to keep in mind that it is a formal invitation, and not anything out of friendship."

Robin smirked at her as she walked out of his office. "Aw, I'm starting to get the feeling you like me!"

* * *

_I honestly thought this would be me venting about Maribelle's character, but I actully managed to keep the low blows in check. I realize I haven't really wrote any of the Shepherds out of character that much. I know for a fact, not to give any spoilers, Gaius is going to be a bit...extreme._

_Next time: Ricken_


	11. Ricken

_I'm starting to get into the characters that I used as arguments against other characters. Just remember that Robin is usually pretty unreasonable in these shorts. I'll use the Stahl chapter to bring up any questions of Robin's judgement. In order to prove his lack of judgement._

* * *

Robin looked at the boy sitting across from him. More specifically, he was looking at his forehead.

"Ricken," Robin said. "I'll give you a phone book if you ask politely."

"I'm OK!" Ricken exclaimed, although it was somewhat muffled by the table between him and the tactician.

"..."

* * *

"So, let's talk about your place on the Shepherds." Robin said to Ricken, who was glaring at him, sitting on top of a few books.

"What do you want to talk about?" Ricken asked.

"How old are you, anyway?" Robin asked the mage.

RIcken groaned. "Why does everybody always ask me that?!"

"Because you never answer the question." Robin replied. "Now, I'll ask you again, how old are you?"

Ricken shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "...Do you know how many people I've had to kill? If my age wasn't an issue then, it shouldn't be now!"

Robin, in spite of the grim fact, smiled. "Ah. Blackmail. I appreciate that, although you've kinda showed your hand when it comes to your age." Robin leaned back into his chair and folded his hands. "Well, I can't magic you like I usually do with people I disagree with. Are you sure this is a game you want to get into with a master tactician?"

"...Uh...Yes?" Ricken said, sweating nervously as he realized what he was getting into.

"So, does this make Olivia a pedophile?" Robin asked, his studying Ricken.

"No!" Ricken exclaimed. "It was a promise engagement! We haven't done anything…physical yet. You of all people should understand that situation!"

"My situation is much more complicated." Robin replied. "Time travel is confusing. So, anyway, you're going for the child soldier argument, are you?"

"Yes…" Ricken said timidly, then gained some confidence. "Yeah! Why'd you force me into all of those harmful situations?"

"I didn't force you into anything." Robin replied. "You volunteered to fight. Chrom told you to stay behind. It would be immoral if we forced you to do it. Besides, you're actually pretty competent, for a kid. You have a bit of growing up to do, but when you do it, you'll be a force to be reckoned with." Robin grinned to himself. "'Ricken-ed with.' Heh."

"Oh…" Ricken said. "So that means you're not firing me?"

"Unfortunately, no." Robin said. "You lied about your age, Ricken. I've let people get away with worse, but the fact is you were underage fighting in an army."

"But I helped you kill Grima!" Ricken exclaimed.

"Yes. And we are very grateful for that. You wanted to bring honor to your house? That should do the trick." Robin said.

"Oh. Alright…" Ricken said, shrugging in defeat.

"Now go out there and grow up kid!" Robin said, rubbing Ricken's head. Ricken pushed him away, but smiled at the tactician. He got up and left his office.

"That...actually went better than I thought it was going to be." Robin said to himself. "Now let's see who I got next…" He glared at a piece of paper. "...Oh, this should go well…"

* * *

_Robin was actually kinda reasonable in this chapter. _

_I think it might balance out the next chapter._

_Up next...Gaius! This one could piss people off._


	12. Gaius

_Given his first appearance in this story, back in Lissa's chapter, you should have guessed that Gaius' chapter would be a tad silly._

* * *

"Hello, Gaius." Robin said to the ginger thief sitting across from him. "Do you have any idea why I called you here?"

Gaius shrugged. "I dunno. Has to do with something sweet?" He reached into his pocket. HIs eyes suddenly widened in horror. "Oh crap."

Robin raised an eyebrow. "'Oh crap,' what?"

"I forgot to resupply my stash." Gaius said, opening his empty pockets. "I'm out of sweets."

"Oh." Robin sighed. "I thought it was something serious."

"This is serious!" Gaius exclaimed, losing his usual cool. "What am I supposed to do without a stash of candy?! I'll die!"

"How are you not diabetic?" Robin muttered. "Or, for that matter, fat?" He sighed. "Look, this meeting shouldn't take long, so I'm sure you can hold off until then."

Gaius nodded, but his skin was already beginning to pale, and dark bags began to form under his eyes.

"OK...So, I afraid we're gonna have to let you go." Robin said. He looked at Gaius, expecting a response, but got none. He decided to elaborate. "You're a useful fighter and all, but your loyalty to our cause is shaky at best. I mean, Chrom bought you out with a bag of sweets. I would understand that if you didn't agree with killing Emmeryn, and that it was a spur of the moment thing, both of which are true. But," Robin looked at a piece of paper in front of him. "According to these checks, you're still paid in candy."

"Yup." Gaius said quickly, eyes darting around the room. "Saves time. Would go to candy anyway."

"...You know you have a family, right?" Robin asked.

"Yup." Gaius responded. "They can take care of themselves. Cherche has a dragon. She can make money."

"I don't think your priorities are all that in line." Robin said. The door to the office opened up, and a maid walked in with a tray. "Oh. Hello. Here with the tea, right on time." He nodded at the maid as she placed the tray on his desk. He took a jelly pastry and a cup."So, how do you like your tea, Gaius?"

Gaius stared at the tea, his eyes as wide as some of the small plates. Suddenly, in one swift motion, he grabbed the small cup of sugar and shoved it in his face.

"NAGA!" Robin exclaimed. "Gaius, what the hell?!"

Gaius pulled the sugar cup away from his face. His mouth and nose were coated in the white powder of sugar. He eyed the pastry in Robin's hand.

"Can I have that?" He asked quickly.

"Gaius, there are even more present-"

"I WILL SUCK YOUR DICK FOR THAT!" Gaius shouted.

"Woah, Woah, Woah!" Robin exclaimed. "This isn't that kind of story!"

"GIMMIE!" Gaius exclaimed, jumping over the desk at Robin, and tackling him to the floor.

* * *

The two beaten up men sat in silence. Gaius was covered in a few burn marks while Robin mainly had bruises.

"...So I'm out, right?" Gaius asked.

Robin glared at him.

"Right." Gaius said. "I'll...I'll get some help about all...that." He stood up from his seat.

"You should. Cherche'll feed you to the dragon if you don't." Robin replied.

"Right. Gotta find a sugar...rehab." Gaius said.

"The first step is admitting you have a problem." Robin commented.

"...Never speak of this again?"

"Do you even have to say it?" Robin asked.

* * *

_Robin has no real respect for the fourth wall._

_Up next: Panne!_


	13. Panne

_This is the first time I had to write this and post it on the same day. Usually I have a bit of a backlog, since I write some of these quickly during my free periods. _

* * *

"So, you can only turn into a bunny?" Robin asked Panne.

"...You've seen my transformation, right?" Panne asked. "The way you're wording that makes it sound like I only turn into a small hare."

"But it's a bunny." Robin said. "A giant, demon bunny."

"Yes." Panne said. "What's your point?"

"You're fired is my point." Robin replied.

"Why?" Panne asked, twitching one of her ears.

"You're keeping pretty calm." Robin commented. "This is gonna be like the Miriel meeting, isn't it?"

"I don't understand why you would want to fire me." Panne said. "Yes, I am a bunny, but I'm the size of a lion."

"I know that, but what I find disturbing is how you take the form of an attractive woman when you aren't in bunny mode." Robin commented. "I mean, I know you married Gregor, but I can't help but wonder if there is any difference between him...mating with you in this form and in bunny form."

Panne remained silent.

"...What the actual fuck?" Robin said. "Seriously? Really?"

"He said he was curious." Panne replied.

"...I'll address that with him later." Robin said. "Look, since you are this big bunny, hypothetically speaking, you could, maybe, let people ride you? It could be...you know…" Robin trailed off.

"...You want to ride me?" Panne said. "I thought you said the bunny thing wasn't intimidating."

"Well, you just sold me on it." Robin replied.

"...Regardless, I don't think it would do to have two tacticians ridings taguels." Panne said. "I saw Yarne and Morgan practicing mounted combat. They seemed to be practicing for a while, as they were quite exhausted…"

Robin looked at the taguel with a deadpan expression. He reached into his desk and pulled out a flask.

"...I'm beginning to suspect that they weren't practicing mounted combat." Panne commented. "But why would Morgan be on top?"

Robin took a swig of the flask. "I really don't want to continue this conversation." He gestured to Panne with the flask. "Want some?"

"...No." She said.

"What if I put a carrot in it?" Robin asked.

"...OK." She said.

"Well, you're still fired." Robin said, as he pulled out a cup and a bag of baby carrots.

"I accept that. I suspect you have your reasons." Panne said.

"Alright. Still want that drink?" Robin asked.

"I walked in on my child mating." She said. "I would."

"I suspect you would. Sounds like he was the bitch." Panne glared at him. "That's my girl."

* * *

_Morgan and Yarne's respective chapters are one's I'm pretty excited to write, although they are a bit far off._

_In case you were wondering, I also already know what I'm doing for the wife, Priam, and the ending chapters._


	14. Anna

_I forgot to mention who the next person was last chapter. Sorry if that threw anybody off. Odds are it didn't. If you haven't figured it out, I'm mainly doing this in order of recruitment. That's going out the window once we get to Lucina, but still._

_That said, here's one that breaks the pattern! I think you recruit Donnel before Anna typically, but I never got Donnel, so I got Anna first. I'm still doing a Donnel chapter._

* * *

"Hey, Robin?" The red-headed merchant asked the tactician across from her.

"Yeah, Anna?" Robin responded.

"I just want to clear the air about something that happened earlier in the war." She said.

"OK." Robin replied. "Shoot."

"You were flirting with me when I first joined, right?" Anna asked, winking at Robin.

"...Maybe." Robin replied. "But I can assure you it was completely professional."

"First off, I don't think there's any way to flirt with a co-worker and keep it completely professional." Anna said.

"I think the majority of the army would disagree with you on that." Robin commented.

"You heard most of the 'seduction' stories, right?" Anna responded. "Most of them either involve food or walking in on naked people."

"Eh. People have bonded over stranger things." Robin responded.

"Secondly, you were anything but professional when you flirted with me." Anna said.

"Hey, I was completely professional!" Robin retorted. "All I did was mention that there were more valuable things in the world than money!"

"For one thing, you were completely and utterly wrong about that." Anna said. "Secondly, you were gesturing to your crouch as you said that."

"...OK, maybe I could have handled that a little better." Robin said. "Fortunately, we aren't gonna have to worry about keeping things professional since you're fired."

There was an awkward pause. Anna opened her mouth to make a comment, but decided against it. It was much more fun to see Robin try to backtrack.

"...OK. I just heard that out loud. What I meant is that we aren't working together anymore not- Look, you know what I mean!"

"Yup." Anna said, smirking at the tactician. "You are aware it's going to cost a pretty penny to keep this story from coming out, right?"

"Yes, I know." Robin replied. "In case you were wondering, the reason you're being laid off is because we can't afford you. Why are you charging so much to serve in the army?"

"Because I got to make my own rate."

"...Should have realized that was a bad idea." Robin said. "Well, that was Chrom's fault, not mine."

"Well, as much as I'm gonna hate losing the royal paycheck, I think I'll survive." Anna said. "I'm probably gonna go back to my roots as a merchant. I was thinking about collecting all the gold I've made into a giant pool and swimming it!"

"...That sounds unsafe and unsanitary." Robin commented. "Now, get out of my office. I got stuff to do. Like find out what I can cut from my budget…"

"Alright then." Anna said, as she stood up and walked out of the room. "Just remember that, if I don't have the financial equivalent of a golden chicken on my doorstep by the fifth, I'm gonna have a bit of a girl talk with a certain time traveler!"

Robin put his hands on his face and groaned.

"How am I losing more money by firing somebody?"

* * *

_I was gonna have Robin hook up with Anna, but then I thought about how funny (or disturbing) it would be for Robin to hook up with one of the future daughters. That way, he could always tell the parents that he's 'sleeping with their daughter.' Bonus points if the baby version of them is already born._

_And a lot of the romance support do involve cooking and walking in on naked people. Maybe not with the pairings I used, but still._

_Up next: Cordelia!_


	15. Cordelia

_I wasn't expecting there to be as much continuity in this story as there is. Well, if it ain't broke..._

* * *

"You sent my husband to a strip club?!" Cordelia shouted.

"...What are those things in your hair?" Robin asked. "Are they wings? Is that uniform or something?"

"Are you changing the subject?" She asked.

"Kinda." Robin replied. "I wanted to talk to you about your obsession with Chrom."

"I-I'm not obsessed with Chrom!" Cordelia responded.

"Really?" Robin said, pulling out a sheet of paper. "I'm gonna break the fourth wall here and show you your official description from the game. You tell me what the problem here is. Ahem." Robin cleared his throat. "'An Ylissean Pegasus knight who has been friends with Sumia since childhood. Her beauty, skill, and record are surpassed by few, but-'" Robin paused. "Can you tell me what you think follows that 'but?'"

"Where did that description even come from?" She asked.

"'BUT,'" Robin continued. "'She cannot seem to win Chrom's heart.'" He looked up at Cordelia. "You see what the problem here is? A good half of your official description is based off of other people! This is supposed to be the most notable thing about you! It gives people an overview of your personality!"

"So you think I'm obsessed with Chrom, then?" Cordelia asked. "Like how Tharja is obsessed with you?"

"At least I own up to the fact that I'm obsessed with Robin." Tharja commented from her hiding place atop Robin's bookcase. "Libra knew full well that he only came second to Robin when we got married."

"Exactly!" Robin said.

Cordelia sighed.

"'The deepest, most frequent sigher.'" Robin read out loud. This earned him a glare from the Pegasus knight.

"So you think that's all to me?" Cordelia asked. "My friendship with Sumia and my obsession with Chrom?"

"No. That's my point. You have your own personality traits. I think the description should have focused more on your obsessive traits." Robin paused. "...Also, apparently your bisexuality."

"H-how do you know about-!" Cordelia stuttered.

"Master." Robin tapped his head. "Tactician."

"...It's more of a curiosity thing." She admitted.

"And how does Lon'qu feel about this?" Robin asked.

"Honestly? I don't really know. It's kinda like one of those celebrity exception list." She said.

"...I don't think those would really work with people you know." Robin commented.

"Says you." Tharja said. "I have a list, and do you want to know who-"

"Me, followed by me, followed by me, followed by me, followed by me." Robin interrupted.

"...Actually, fourth place is Priam. He strikes me as a guy who's hung like a Pegasus."

"Oh, I could totally see that." Cordelia commented.

"...Right…" Robin shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "Anyway, I should probably mention that you're fired."

"Oh, good." Cordelia said. "Saves me the trouble of quitting."

"Wait, you were gonna QUIT?!" Robin exclaimed.

"Oh, yeah." Cordelia said. "You said it yourself. I got a lot of potential, so I figured I should use it to help rebuild the Pegasus knights."

"B-but I was gonna make jokes about how you should ride a dragon instead of a Pegasus!"

Cordelia looked out the window. "I should probably get going. I paid one of the strippers extra to give Lon'qu a private show. Should relatively freak him out. Anyway, I'll see you later, Robin!" She smiled at the confused tactician and left the room.

"...What the hell just happened?!" Robin exclaimed.

"Heh heh. You kinda lost control over the meeting." Tharja commented. "...You know, you're still number one on the li-"

"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OFFICE!"

* * *

_So, yeah. You got Cordelia's chapter and a Tharja cameo. I figure she would spend most of her free time lurking around Robin's office._

_I'll mention the general order now, if you didn't catch on yet. I'm doing the first generation characters first, then I'll do the kids. I think I'll just mix Tiki and Say'ri in the mix with the kids, since they are recruited after you can get the kids. After that, I'll do the Spot Pass characters, then the epilogue._

_Up next: Donnel!_


	16. Donnel

"Donnel…" Robin said. "Would you please wear your proper uniform?"

"I reckon I don't have an idea what ya'll are talking about." Donnel said, scratching his head under his helmet.

"...The pot, Donny. You're wearing a pot on your head." Robin said.

"Aw, that?" Donnel said. "Look, I just figured, since I was 'cruited with it, I was 'lowed to wear it."

"...That's not how uniforms work." Robin commented. "You're part of an army now, Don. You gotta follow the rules."

"But ya'll didn't have any problem with it back when we was at war!" Donnel exclaimed.

"Yeah, but-" Robin paused. "Actually, you have a point."

"Ye-haw! I get to keep it!" Donnel exclaimed.

"Yeah, you get to keep it." Robin replied. "Although I guess you're free to wear whatever you want, since you've just got de-cruited!" He grinned and winked at the wall next to him.

There was an awkward pause between the two men.

"...I don't reckon that's a word, ain't it?" Donnel finally asked, looking at the wall Robin was looking at. "And what are ya looking at?"

"...Nothing. It's nothing." Robin muttered. "I was just...trying something out. I don't think I'll do it again. Didn't work out as well as I thought it would, though." Robin paused. "What I was trying to say is that you're fired, Donny. Sorry bout that."

"W-What'd I do?!" Donny exclaimed.

"Ironically, uniform violations. Turns out that stuff piles up. Who knew?" Robin commented.

"Well, shucks!" Donnel exclaimed. "Now what am I supposed to do?" Donny said, sulking in his chair.

"I never said you were completely out of the army. Just the Shepherds." Robin said. "If you want' I could talk to Chrom about posting you in your old town. You could show off to all your old friends about how much of a badass you are!" Robin exclaimed.

"Gee, thanks!" Donnel said. "I don't reckon I'll do that, though. I'll be dandy just being a simple farmer again."

"So you aren't going to use the fact that you helped a giant dragon-god-thing to get laid? Because that's what I'm recommending." Robin said.

"Figure I might get some companionship based off of that. Guess I might be done with fighting, since we did do all that stuff." Donny said.

"Alright." Robin said. "I suppose you can get some rest if you want it." He smiled at Donnel. "You're a good kid, Donny. Even if you do have a strange taste of fashion…"

"Aw, shucks!" Donnel exclaimed. "You're pretty swell too, Robin! Tell ya what: If you ever find yourself round my parts, I'll let ya sleep in the spare room!"

"That's nice of you, Don-"

"'Though I think Ma might be usin' it to keep the pigs, so it might smell a bit."

"...That's nice, Donny. That sounds...pleasant."

* * *

_Points to Robin for the blatant title drop._

_I never recruited Donny. I couldn't level him up during his mission. Still, I think I did pretty OK with this chapter. _

_Up next: Nowi!_


	17. Nowi

_Sorry I couldn't update yesterday. I got caught up in school stuff, so I didn't have time to finish the update._

_Anyway, I'll admit that my main argument here is used way better in Awkward Zombie. If you haven't seen the comic, I recommend you do._

* * *

"...How were you enslaved?" Robin asked Nowi, who wasn't sitting across from him, but, rather, was peeking through his book-case.

"Hmm?" The manakete tried to look at Robin over a comedic large stack of books. Some would assume she was gathering them up to read, but Robin knew Nowi better than that.

"Don't climb up on my tombs." Robin said bluntly. "Also, don't avoid the question. How could you get enslaved? When you were recruited, you were escaping from slavery. You can turn into a dragon, so I don't understand how they caught you in the first place.'

"I wanted to see what it was like to be a slave!" Nowi exclaimed. "For all I knew, it could have a been fun!"

Robin stared at her as she beamed at him. "...Fun. Slavery could be fun." Robin muttered. "And was it...fun?"

"No way!" Nowi exclaimed. "They only made you work and they didn't give you any time to play and they were mean!" She huffed and crossed her arms.

"So apparently slavers aren't the nicest people in the world." Robin said. "Thank you for that insight, Nowi. However, I'm afraid I'm going to have to let you go."

"What?!" Nowi shouted. "Why would you do that?! I can turn into a dragon! You always go on about how cool that is!"

"I know that, which is why my hands are kinda tied here." Robin replied.

"Well, what's the issue?" Nowi said. "Why are you firing me?"

"Too many uniform violations." Robin replied. "It's funny, I just had Donny in here about the same thing."

Nowi stood up in her chair. "Uniform violations?! What's wrong with what I'm wearing?"

"It's not really what you're wearing." Robin explained, looking away from her. "It's what you're not wearing."

"What, You guys are all caught up about how I dress?" Nowi laughed. "I'm over 1000 years old! I'm pretty sure I'm old enough to wear what I want!"

"Nowi, you aren't wearing pants." Rodin said. "Just some buckle...thing. It's as if somebody was wearing a chastity belt, but only a chastity belt, and they forgot to cover up the most important part of the chastity belt. Oh, but I guess that's not a problem with what you're wearing, since all the naughty bits are covered up by a flesh-colored ribbon! That's hardly appropriate for somebody your age!"

"I'm way older than you!" Nowi exclaimed.

"But you look like a twelve-year-old." Robin said. "Look, lets say there's a scale." Robin created an imaginary distance between his hands. "On this side of the scale, you have Nah. She's a kid, and dresses appropriately."

"I'm not dressing up like my daughter!" Nowi huffed again, growling at Robin.

"Would you want her dressing like you?" Robin asked.

"Not until she's older." Nowi replied.

"Speaking of older," Robin continued. "On the other side of the scale you have Tiki, who is so old she was around during the time of the Hero-King." Robin paused. "Notice that she actual wears clothing."

"So what?" Nowi asked.

"My point is that, if Tiki isn't dressing up like that, then your argument about you being old enough is a moot point." Robin said.

"Just because we don't dress the same way doesn't mean we have a dress code or something!" Nowi exclaimed.

"But the army does." Robin replied.

"Wait!" Nowi exclaimed. "There are tons of different people who don't follow that dress code! Ha!"

"Three things." Robin said. "First, most of the people who don't follow that dress code are in trouble for different reasons. Their dress code violations are not as severe or dangerous as your's or Donny's. Second, if you're claiming that there are people in the army who dress skimpier than you, imagine the company that puts you in."

Robin picked up a book from his desk and threw it at a bookcase. Somebody yelped in pain, and Tharja fell to the floor.

"I told you to get out." Robin said.

"Fine." The dark mage replied. "This meeting was going on too long anyway." With that, she left the room.

"Huh." Nowi said. "Never really noticed that."

"Third," Robin said, "you're gonna have to realize that, if you're going to look so young, you might as well dress appropriately, despite your real age. I understand why you might want to act immature, but there should be a consistency between your attitude and your appearance."

Nowi sighed. "Fine!" She exclaimed. "I see your point. I'll figure something out. Am I still fired?"

"Unfortunately." Robin replied. "It's a sucky paperwork thing. Really, it just means no more barracks to have to work in or a steady income. My bet is that, if a new threat does arise, Chrom will probably get the band back together."

Nowi shrugged. "Alright! I can live with that! All it means is that I have more time to play!"

"Well, you got over that quickly…" Robin muttered.

"But you can expect a huge prank at some point!" Nowi beamed.

"You and Lissa…" Robin muttered.

Nowi's eyes brightened up. "Great idea! I'll get Lissa in on it! And we could use bugs and magic and maybe some of that oil stuff and-"

"Is all of that even legal?!" Robin exclaimed. Nowi had already darted out of the room, some horrid plan in her mind.

"...This isn't really going to work out for me, is it?" Robin sighed.

* * *

_The clothing stuff isn't that creative. I am pretty curious about the slave part, though._

_Up next: Gregor!_


	18. Gregor

_I'm not sure if I promised daily updates, but I feel like I might have implied it. Anyway, I'll try to update as rapidly as I can. I just kinda get busy with stuff. Priorities, you know._

* * *

"Why you looking at Gregor so funny?" The mercenary asked Robin, who seemed to be studying Gregor.

"...I was talking to Panne earlier, and she mentioned something about you and her bunny form…" Robin said cautiously.

"Ah! Gregor get now!" Gregor said, grinning. "Taction want piece of action!"

"W-What?!" Robin exclaimed.

"Gregor can understand why Robin might be interested!" Gregor commented. "Panne is one thing, but how can Robin resist Gregor's charm? Suppose attraction must be where Morgan gets it!"

"NO NO NO." Robin exclaimed. "Just...no. I don't want any of those mental images! Panne said you did it with her while she was in bunny form, right?"

"Ah. Yes. So?" Gregor asked. "You want to see scars? Pretty wild night!"

"No, Gregor. I was just following up on something." Robin replied. "Anyway, I'm going to have to let you go. Sorry, pal."

"Gregor understand." He replied. "Gregor no like sitting around, getting money for nothing."

"Oh. Alright." Robin replied. He and Gregor sat there for a few seconds.

"So, any personal issue you have with Gregor?" He asked. "That seem to be major drive to meetings from what Gregor hear."

"No, not really." Robin replied. "We just...kinda don't need you anymore. Pretty straight forward, actually."

"Oh. Ok then." Gregor replied. "Gregor...Gregor should just leave, then?"

"I guess." Robin said.

"Ok." Gregor nodded at Robin and left the room.

Robin sat there in silence for a few seconds. "Huh. That was...kinda uneventful."

Suddenly, the window behind Robin crashed open. A freshly killed corpse landed on the tactician's desk.

"SWEET NAGA!" Robin exclaimed, pushing himself away from the desk.

"Nay-ha!" Henry jumped through the window. "Robin! Can you help me hide a body? It'll be like a game!"

"Henry!" Robin exclaimed. "Who is this?! Why did you throw them through my window?! How did you get up here?! It's like the fifth story of the castle here!"

"Nay-ha! You ask too many questions!" Henry exclaimed. "I'll find someone else!" He threw the body out the window and jumped out with it.

"...Well, shit." Robin said. "Sometimes, I can't even tell what Chrom was thinking…"

* * *

_Gregor wasn't that eventful, so I just added Henry cause, why not?_

_Anyway, up next: Libra_


	19. Libra and Tharja

_Another combo chapter! _

_If you're looking at the chapter list and are thinking to yourself, "Hold on. There aren't any combo chapters!", one of them actually is. Don't jump around my chapters. I kinda have continuity._

* * *

"Libra," Robin said. "Do you know why you're here?"

"I could guess." Libra replied. "I've heard from certain sources that you are cutting down on the Shepherd workforce, if not outright getting rid of it."

"Correct." Robin said. He then paused. "Actually, that's another issue we should probably address. Long story short, we gotta let you go. Even though you are a useful member to our group, it's apparently illegal and immoral to have a priest on the government payroll."

"I understand." Libra replied. "I would assume there would be no use for a War Clerc without a war to fight." He added with a smile.

"...Stop being so pretty." Robin mumbled. "Thank Naga you didn't get recruited earlier. Otherwise, you would have added to my linger suspicions of my sexuality."

"...Ah. I see." Libra replied. "This in in regards to Ma-"

"Let's not talk about it any more than we have to." Robin interrupted. "Anyway, So you're good with the lay off?"

"I suppose." Libra replied. "A priest's work is never done."

"Good." Robin said. "Now, let's get to the main issue here." He rose his voice. "Tharja, I know you're in here, so you might as well come out."

There was a pause.

"...Tharja told me she was spending the day with Noire." Libra said. "Although I'm beginning to have my suspicions."

"...Huh." Robin said. "I guess she isn't-"

"Yes, Robin?" Tharja replied from under Robin desk.

Robin immediately pushed himself away from the desk.

"Sweet Naga!" He exclaimed.

"Language…" Libra commented.

"How long were you under there?!" Robin exclaimed. "How did I not-!"

"Shh." Tharja hushed him. "Don't ask too many questions. You might not like the answers. Your feet smell pleasant." She looked over at Libra. "Hello, sweetie."

"Hello, Tharja." Libra said. "I take it your plans with Noire fell through?"

"Whatever makes you feel better, dear." She replied.

"The way you say that makes me concerned about Noire's safety." Robin commented.

"She's a big girl. She can handle herself." Tharja said, a creepy smile. "Besides, I asked a mutual friend to watch her."

* * *

"U-Uncle Henry, why am I digging this hole?" Noire asked nervously.

"Nya-ha! Let's play a game!" Henry exclaimed. "It's called, 'Don't ask so many questions, or I will cut you!'"

"O-Oh!" Noire exclaimed, smiling for some reason. "Mother and I used to play this all the time!"

"Then you already know how to play!" Henry said. "Nya-ha!"

* * *

"...Anyway, we should probably address this." Robin said. "Why are you so obsessed with me?" He asked Tharja.

"Because we were meant for each other." She replied.

"...We're both married to different people. Your husband is sitting next to you." Robin said.

"I don't think the best person to discuss the fact that she is obsessed with somebody is the person she is obsessed with." Libra commented.

"Correct, dear." Tharja said. "I fell in love with you for that wit. It's just like Robin's…"

Robin folded his hands together. "Hold on. Is that a comparison she makes a lot?" He asked Libra.

"Yes. I've...gotten used to it." He replied.

"So you're attracted to Libra because he reminds you of me." Robin said. "Now, no offence to Libra, but, by the time we met, we were as different as could be. Libra was a man of honor. I...wasn't, necessarily."

"Marriage changes people for the better." Libra said.

"I think my romantic situation is complicated enough without me being unfaithful." Robin commented. "Anyway, my theory is that there is something about Libra that reminds you of me. How did you fall in love?" Robin asked Libra.

"Well," Libra said. "she looked into my heart and saw the darkness inside of me. I feel like I can trust you, Robin, so I don't mind talking about this." He said.

"Darkness inside of you…" Robin eyes suddenly widened. "That's why you were initially attracted to me!"

"What do you think it is, Robin?" Tharja asked.

"When we met, I was the vessel of Grima. So, I had a darkness inside of me. The darky-ist of darkness. And a dragon." Robin said. "Does that sound right?"

"...I suppose, now that I think about it, there was something darkly alluring about you." Tharja said. "So now you know, what does it change?"

"Grima's gone." Robin replied. "I'm a hollow case of darkness. Check your attraction, Thar."

"...I don't like you anymore." Tharja said.

"Really? He was right?" Libra asked.

"Come on, Libra!" Robin exclaimed. "Why doubt me? Master. Tactician!"

"No, it's not that." Tharja said. "I instantly dislike anybody who calls me 'Thar.'" She got out of her chair. "You can expect a curse in the next week or so. Come on, Libra. I have to learn your sleep patterns."

"Um…" Libra said, following his wife. "You are aware we sleep together, right?"

"Still stands." Tharja said. The couple left the office.

"...What happened to just bitching at people? I thought that was what this would involve!" Robin said to himself. "Well, I already go this far…Oh! Right! You're also fired! You can't just curse your superiors!" He shouted after her. "Although, I guess I'm not your boss anymore...Crap."

* * *

_I know Henry is supposed to be pretty creepy but have a light side to him, but I just love writing him as batshit crazy. _

_Henry is my new favorite character to write. Robin is very blunt, sarcastic, and fourth-wall-break...y. Henry, however, is just crazy. _

_Which is good, because up next: Henry!_

_(I know, canonically, Olivia is up next, but I have a pretty funny idea about what to do with her, and it would involve calling back to Henry's chapter.)_


	20. Henry

_Henry vs Robin is probably one of my highlights in writing this. That said, I don't think I'll ever be pleased with it._

* * *

"Nya-ha!" Henry exclaimed. "What's up?"

"What's up?" Robin said. "You threw a corpse through my window! You can't just do that!"

"I suppose you're DEAD right on that one!" Henry exclaimed. "Of CORPSE, I wasn't the one who killed them! I was just making funeral arrangements! Nya-ha!"

"I don't know if it means anything to you, but I hear that laugh in my nightmares." Robin said. "Anyway, I wanted to ask you about your profile, before anything else." He pulled out a piece of paper. "For some reason, under eye color, there's just a messy mark that appears to be a combination of ink and blood."

"Do you want to see my eye?" Henry asked, an almost maliciously cheery smile plastered on his face.

"Umm…" Robin paused. "...Know what? I think I'm good." He replied. "So you said you didn't kill that person?"

"Correct!" Henry exclaimed.

"So you haven't killed anybody- That's a stupid question." Robin interrupted himself.

"Nya-ha!"

"Right. Henry, people who are accustomed to killing…" Robin said gently. "People like you, they tend to get a little...stir-crazy if they don't kill for a while."

"Oh, don't worry about that!" Henry said. "I've been with Nowi, playing with kids!"

"Oh," Robin responded, surprised. "That's...That's actually pretty pleasant...Wait, what games?" He asked quickly.

"Oh, you know, some of the classics!" Henry said. "'Find Your Finger', 'You Can Fly if You Believe,' 'Don't Tell The Cops,' 'Tighten the Gag-'"

"Please stop!" Robin exclaimed. "I feel like, the more you tell me, the more of an accessory I become. How does Nowi let you do all of this?!"

"Oh, those are the days I go alone!" Henry replied.

Robin nodded, and, slowly, pulled his sword out and placed it on his desk.

"Henry, I'm going to fire you." Robin said.

"Do you mean like a barbecue?" Henry asked. "Put some seasoning on me and I would taste fantastic! Human flesh is a bit of an acquired taste! Nya-ha!"

"Henry!" Robin exclaimed. "I'm going to fire you, as in remove you from the Shepherds. Am I going to need this sword to defend myself?"

"Probably!" Henry replied. "I'm not gonna attack you! Honestly, you can only hear noblemen scream for mercy so many times before you begin to grow a little restless." He admitted. "Now I can travel the countryside, claiming lives as I see fit!"

"Ok." Robin said. "Is Nowi OK with that?"

"Sure! Cynthia convinced her that it'd be pretty cool to be a superhero!"

"So, while she's being all superheroy, you're just gonna be Dexter Morgan?"

"At best!" Henry exclaimed. "Nya-ha!"

"Right." Robin relaxed a bit, although his grip never left his blade. "Well, I wish you luck in your quest to torture the hopefully guilty." Robin said. "I look forward to meeting up with you in a few years, when you've become a lumberjack with a stupid beard."

"Nya-ha!" Henry exclaimed, getting up to leave the office.

"Wait." Robin said. "How did you get that reference?"

Henry smiled maliciously at him. He walked over to the tactician and whispered something in his ear.

"...SON OF A BITCH!" Robin exclaimed. "I JUST STARTED THE THIRD SEASON!"

"Nya-ha!" Henry exclaimed, before he leaped out of the newly repaired window, shattering it.

"...The little shit spoiled Breaking Bad for me!" Robin muttered. "And he never answered my question..."

* * *

_How can Henry know those references? I probably won't explain that._

_He, like Robin, is also kinda a dick. A murderous dick, but a dick nonetheless._

_Up next: Olivia!_


	21. Olivia

_Olivia's gonna be a tad OOC in this chapter. You'll see why in a minute. Also, I don't know if it matters, but sorry about the Dexter spoilers in the last chapter. If it matters._

* * *

"Olivia…" Robin muttered, looking up from his piece of paper to the pink-haired dancer in front of him. "Why did we recruit you?"

"U-Umm…" She said nervously. She felt like she was in trouble with a teacher, the way he asked the question.

"No, I mean, seriously, why did we recruit you?" Robin asked. "You're a good dancer and all-"

"I-I'm a horrible dancer!" Olivia exclaimed, louder than she expected to.

"Look, can we not do this song and dance here?" Robin asked. "Heh. 'Song and dance.' Anyway, I know you're a good dancer, and it does somewhat raise morale, having you around, but what can you do for the army aside from that?"

"...I don't know." She replied.

"Exactly!" Robin exclaimed. "Look, you have your talents. That much is obvious. However, I don't think those talents are best suited for the Shepherds. You can use a sword, but not to a Shepherd's expectations. So, I'm afraid I'm letting you go. I look forward to your future endeavors, though." He smiled at her.

"B..But I…"

"What's wrong, Olivia?" Robin asked. "I mean, aside from losing your job."

"I...I like...I like to kill." She replied, looking away from robin and blushing furiously.

Robin looked at her blankly. "...What." He said. "When...When have you ever killed?"

"W-Well…" Olivia said. "I...I don't really directly confront an enemy. Usually when I'm supporting somebody, I might get a few slashed in. But, sometimes, when the opponent is almost dead, the person I'm supporting will go fight somebody else. So, I…I finish the person off. There's something...exciting about watching the life drain from a person and know it's your fault." She said, still avoiding Robin's eyes. She was still blushing and playing with her fingers.

"...The words coming out of your mouth don't match your body…" Robin commented. "So, what you're saying is that you have a taste for blood?"

"I-I thought it would only last while we were at war, but the other day, I…I killed somebody. In cold blood. And...and I liked it." She said.

Robin nodded, and slowly put his sword on his desk.

"Olivia…" Robin said. "Am I going to need this?"

"No!" Olivia exclaimed. "I think I have it all figured out. I just...I just need some time. I think I'll improve my skills so I can kill professionally." She said. "That way, I can live off of dancing and killing."

"...OK then." Robin said. "So, what happened to the person you killed the other day?"

"I gave the body to Henry." The dancer (and apparent murderer) replied. "He seems like he'd know what to do with it."

"...Huh. I guess I owe Henry an apology." Robin said. "...On second thought, I don't. So, do you think you're good, when it comes to the job and whatnot?"

"...Yes, I'll manage." She replied, smiling at Robin.

"Good." Robin said, then he grinned. "Also, I got you to admit you're a good dancer! When you said you would live off of AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Robin screamed as Olivia drove the desk sword into his shoulder, impaling him to the chair.

"Sorry!" Olivia exclaimed. "I got upset, and that just kinda happened! Sorry! Should I get a healer?" She asked.

"YES AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Robin exclaimed. Olivia ran out of the room. "HOW IS THIS THE FIRST MEETING I GET HURT DURING?! I JUST DID HENRY! AHHHHHHHHNAGAWHYAHHHHHHHH-"

* * *

_Olivia was never really a powerhouse in my play through (although I know she can be), and the army didn't recruit her for combat. My only guess about why she killed people was that she got a pleasure out of it._

_I may have made that connection because I wanted her to be somewhat connected to Henry. I might have shipped them differently in my play through, but the supports for Henry/Olivia are adorbs. _

_Up next: Cherche (And, by extension, Minerva)_


	22. Cherche

_Sometimes I just go with my gut on these things. That's when they get the craziest. Or stupidest._

* * *

"...What happened to your shoulder?" Cherche asked Robin.

"I don't wanna talk about it." Robin replied, rubbing his bandaged shoulder. "Anyway, more important question is WHY IS THE DRAGON IN MY OFFICE?!"

Minerva roared.

"She's a wyvern." Cherche corrected Robin, as the latter covered his ears.

"WHAT?!" Robin shouted. "HOLD ON!" He uncovered his ears. "Ok, then. Let's get down to business. Where have you been?" Robin asked.

"What do you mean?" Cherche asked.

"Nobody's heard from you for a few weeks." Robin replied. "After my meeting with Gaius, I decided to follow-up on him. He was pretty...messed up."

"He's...doing better." Cherche said, darting her eyes away from Robin.

"See, that's why I think you're full of it." Robin said. "For one thing, your house was coated in sugar. I think Gaius is having a relapse. Also, you never mentioned that I fired him."

"You...fired him." Cherche said, although her mouth didn't appear to move. "Yes...I was aware of that." Minerva growled.

"See, there's the terrifying tranquil fury you're known for!" Robin exclaimed. "You've just shown your hand. If you know about what was happening to Gaius, he would be in this room now. Specifically inside of Minerva. For that matter, how did you get the dragon- uh, wyvern in here?"

"It was difficult." Cherche admitted. "Yes, I haven't been home in a while. I was in Rosanne, doing work for Virion."

"Yeah, you're still full of shit." Robin said. "As much as I loathed to do it, I got in contact with Virion. After about ten minutes of him flaffing on about some fancy bullshit, he said you weren't there. Also, you never mentioned he was fired, too."

"WHAT?!" Cherche exclaimed, before regaining her cool. "I-I mean, of course I know that."

"And Maribelle."

"Ok, you know what?" Cherche said. "You got me. I haven't been around."

"MASTER TACTICIAN!" Robin exclaimed. "Now, what have you been doing?"

"That's a...personal question." Cherche replied. "I might as well tell you. I'm having...an affair."

"...You're cheating on Gaius?" Robin said. "Cherche...I'm...shocked, actually."

"Let me explain what happened." Cherche said. "I went down to Wyvern Valley with Minerva. One thing sort of lead to another and…"

"You never mentioned your lover." Robin said. Before Cherche could respond to him, he said, "Look, I can figure out who it is. Just give me a second...It would have to be someone I know, if you expect me to jump to the conclusion…Gerome was with Cynthia last night at dinner...I got nothing." Robin admitted. "Hell, the only other person I know that would be with you would have been…" His eyes suddenly widened. "...No FUCKING way…" He looked at Minerva.

Cherche sighed as she petted the wyvern's head, who purred. "Correct. We went there to find her a mate. I suppose we found one." She giggled a little.

"I...I...What?!" Robin muttered. "I don't...How...What?!"

"We've just been through so much together." Cherche continued. "I still love Gaius, don't get me wrong. I'm sure we'll come to an agreement about it."

"...I...I guess you're fired." Robin said, still somewhat shell-shocked.

"Do you just not understand our love?" She asked, hugging Minerva.

"No. You missed too many report days. Really, the Shepherds have basically become an office job since the war ended. I...guess you guys can spend more time together…"

"That's one way to see the glass half full, I suppose." Cherche said. "Thank you, Robin. Would you like to go out to dinner with Minerva, Gaius and I?"

"...That sounds like something I should really talk to the wife about." Robin replied.

"I understand." She replied. "Goodbye, Robin!" She said, climbing on top of Minerva. The wyvern roared and charged through Robin's office window, shattering it and the wall.

"...You know what? I'm just gonna keep it like that. I always wanted a balcony."

* * *

_Gaius and Cherche: A strangely dysfunctional match made in Heaven._

_I guess we're pretty much at the halfway point now. I want to take a second to thank everybody for making this story as popular as it is. It's amazing how popular one stupid idea I had could become._

_Chessy stuff out-of-the-way now._

_Up next: Lucina! Second Generation Time!_


	23. Lucina

_Alright, here's the first child! I know I didn't do Say'ri, but she was recruited after Lucina, so I'll just throw her in randomly at some point._

* * *

"Lucina, do you know why I called you down here?" Robin asked Lucina.

"I'm not sure." She replied.

"Look, Lucina," Robin said. "I'm gonna be frank: I find you attractive. I found you attractive since we first met. And by first met, I mean when you were still going by Marth. That means that, for a good three months or so, I was worried I was gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that! It's just something I know I'm not. Yet, as far as I knew, I was attracted to the Hero-King, Marth! When I was reading history books, I would read about him and go 'Huh. I guess I would do him.' There's still a bit of a awkwardness when I think about it. So I was pretty relieved when you were revealed to be a girl."

"I understand that Robin," Lucina began to say, but was interrupted by Robin again.

"Then I don't see you for a while, and when you come back, it turns out you're the daughter of one of my best friends! That's even weirder! Every time I looked at you, I could see the little baby back at the castle! Needless to say, I had some pretty weird boners."

"...Are you done?" Lucina asked.

"Yes." Robin replied.

"That's...interesting, Robin," Lucina said. "But I already knew that. It's OK for you to be attracted to me. We're married. We've...We've already been through most of this. We have a child together."

"Hi, Father!" A blue-haired Morgan exclaimed, waving at her father from the door. "I want to be a great tactician, just like you!"

"That's great, dear." Robin said to his daughter. "Now go...go talk to your aunt. Or your grandparents!"

"I don't think Chrom is comfortable around me…" Morgan said.

"Well, you just gotta keep trying!" Robin replied. "I heard grandmother is making a pie, and grandfather is there to try it! Go get some! And close the door on your way out!"

"Yes, Father!" Morgan exclaimed, running out of the office.

"...Mother and Father are going to kill you when they find out you gave her permission to call them that." Lucina said.

"They're her grandparents." Robin replied, getting out of his chair to rub her shoulders. "Time-travel put all of us in uncomfortable positions. I've had sex with my best friend's daughter, who's still a baby in this timeline!"

"Stop talking about me in the third dimension." Lucina said.

"I just kinda find all of it funny." Robin replied. He smiled. "Not that I'm complaining." He kissed the back of her head.

Lucina smiled at him. "...I'm not having sex with you in your office."

"Come on!" Robin exclaimed. "Why not?"

"There's a blood stain on your chair and a puddle of urine in the corner there." Lucina replied. "Judging by your stories, there was a corpse on this desk, and, for all we know, someone could be watching."

"I dealt with that!" Robin exclaimed.

"My parents live here." She said. "And there's a giant, gaping hole in your wall."

"I've given up on fixing that." Robin said. "I just figured that, if I was going to tell you that you were fired, you might as well get a nice severance package."

"...Did I seriously travel through time and marry a man who refers to his...privates as a severance package?"

"From what I can tell, you traveled through time to kill Grima, and you ended up marrying him. So good job on that." Robin commented. He felt Lucina tense up, and realized he should backtrack. "Sorry. Sensitive subject. For both of us. I deal with big emotional stuff with bad jokes. "

Lucina sighed. "It's ok. I already know that. Remember when I was going to kill you. If I didn't stab you for killing my father in the future, I would have stabbed you for those jokes."

"Fair enough." Robin replied. "I was kinda asking for it. Like I said, though, you are fired."

"I assumed I was going to be." Lucina replied. "When you told me you were firing everybody, I assumed I was included. Why are you doing it all one-on-one?"

"Tying up loose ends." Robin replied. "It's been...it's been going."

"You got stabbed." Lucina replied. "Should I be here to help you?"

"Nah, I should be good." Robin replied. "It's mainly you guys I gotta deal with. The kids are alright. Unemployed, but alright."

"Well, good luck with that." Lucina said, kissing her husband. "I have to speak with Father. I'll see you at home." She got out of her chair and left the office.

"...I suppose all my meeting can't go like that." Robin said to himself. "Then again, Lucina would probably castrate me if they did…"

* * *

_So now you know who the wife is! Lucina! I mainly romanced her because I loved the idea of Robin and Chrom having awkward conversations about how he's sleeping with his daughter. Also, MORGAN CAMEO! _

_I was pretty kind to Robin this chapter. You get a bit of a glimpse into his character, which, if you haven't really picked up on it yet, is pretty different form the character illustrated in the game. _

_Up next: Owain!_


	24. Owain

_These are just getting longer with each update! Hopefully the quality isn't dropping!_

_Also, I totally didn't realize that last update came on Valentines day. So, you know, there's a theme._

* * *

"I got some bad news, Owain." Robin said.

"I've got even worse news!" Owain exclaimed. "My sword hand has been going nuts recently! I assume it must thrust for the blood of the evildoers of the world! Worry not, hand! They will soon feel the might of Owain Dark!"

"...I'm letting you go." Robin said plainly.

"W-What?!" Owain exclaimed, dropping his dramatic prose. "Why's that?!"

"Look, here's the thing about you time traveling tikes." Robin said. "You guys come from a pretty crappy timeline, so I understand why some of you might be the way you are. There seems to be two separate divides on how you dealt with it, though. On one side, you have people like Gerome and Lucy. They're pretty serious about this whole thing, to the point where they seem to have sticks shoved so far up their asses that they are extremely difficult to deal with." Robin paused for a second. "That mainly applies to Gerome. I like Lucy. I married her, so that should prove that. I still like Gerome, if only for the fact that he's basically Batman with wyverns. Wyvman."

"I don't know who you're talking about." Owain said.

"Trust me, if you did, you would be obsessed with it." Robin replied. "Anyway, on the other side of the coin, you have people like you, Cynthia, and Inigo, who are so perky and happy that you must be seriously suppressing some emotions."

"I'm not suppressing emotions!" Owain banged on the table with his hand. "I just have the blood of heroes flowing through my veins!"

"You don't have to slam stuff to make a point!" Robin exclaimed.

"Sorry about that." Owain said sheepishly. "Sword hand wanted to get in on the action."

"...That began happening after your parents died, right?" Robin asked.

"Yes." Owain replied, in a dramatic tone. "That was the day my hero's blood revealed itself!"

"You've proved my point." Robin said. "You're crazy and a bit annoying for long periods of time, so please leave my office."

"I understand." Owain said. "I will travel the land, in search of evils to slay!' He said, but, as he got up, he drew his sword. "What? Sword hand?" He looked at the hand. "No...No, Robin's not evil!" He exclaimed. "We can't kill Robin! He's our friend!" He swung at Robin, who barely dodged the strike.

"What in Naga's name are you doing, Owain?!" Robin exclaimed, pulling out his own sword.

"Sword hand!" Owain exclaimed as he parried with Robin. "Stop this at once!...Are you jealous of Noire? Is that it? What happened between you and me was a mistake! I used you like that, and I'm sorry. But you can't take it out on Robin!"

"...Are you talking about jerking it?" Robin asked, parrying another blow.

"I'll stop you myself if I have to!" Owain exclaimed, drawing his second sword. He began to parry with himself. Robin just stared at him, dumbstruck about what was going on in front of him.

"Now I have you!" Owain said, pinning his sword hand down to the table. "I think it's time we've parted ways. Forgive me, old friend." He drew back his sword, and Robin realized he was about to cut his hand off.

"WAIT!" Robin exclaimed. Owain waited. "Look...uh...I think your sword hand is...uh…" His eyes lit up. "Possessed! Yes! It's possessed! instead of cutting it off, we should cure it! That way, you can keep your hand and...be rid of the evil spirit!"

"...That makes no sense whatsoever." Owain said. "...We would need a priest to do that, not you!"

"Priest? I can get us one of those!" Robin replied.

* * *

"Uh...I guess you're cleansed now…" Libra said, pouring a bottle of water on Owain's hand.

"OHHHHHH!" Owain exclaimed. "I can feel the evil spirits leave my body as they set me free!"

"...This is degrading." Libra said to Robin.

"You owe me." Robin replied.

"I owe you for making my wife my stalker?" He asked

"At least you're her number one priority now." Robin replied. "You good now, Owain?"

"Yes! Owain Dark returns!" He exclaimed. "But now I have a new mission in life! I must hunt down the spirit that possessed my sword hand and slay him in combat!"

"...Yes. That is a thing you must do." Robin replied.

"Off I go, then!" Owain exclaimed. "I must collect my wife and we shall travel the lands!" He ran out of the office.

"...What is he going to do with my daughter?!" Libra exclaimed.

"Relax." Robin said. "I'm sure Noire can talk him out of it. If not, the journey might be good for her."

"You just sent my son-in-law on a wild goose chase."

"You're welcome."

"How do you think Lissa is going to take this?"

"I stopped her son from cutting off his own hand. I think she'll get over it."

* * *

_If the only thing to come out of this story is the Owain/Sword hand ship, I will be a happy man._

_I'm starting to discover that my default is to make the big-personality characters crazy in some form or another. If they aren't already crazy. Henry._

_Up next: Say'ri! One of the only first generation characters (aside from Tiki and the supportable spotpass characters) that I have left to do! _


	25. Say'ri

_Like I said, I might sometimes take a day or two break from writing. I might be updating alot over the break. I might not. We'll see what happens._

* * *

"..."

"Is there something wrong, Robin?" Say'ri asked the tactician.

"...Who are you?" Robin asked.

"What? I am Say'ri." The woman replied.

"Am I supposed to...know that name?" Robin asked.

"Do you not remember? We fought against Walhart together. I am the princess of the Chon'sin."

"Chosen? Isn't that from Tales?" Robin asked. "I mean, that's not necessarily Nintendo, but it was on a system made by them, so close enough. Man, a crossover would be pretty badass…" He muttered to himself.

"...I have no idea what you are talking about." Say'ri said.

"Well, I have no idea who you are, so I guess we're even." Robin replied.

"I am Yen'fay's sister." She said.

"...Oh! Yen'fey!" Robin exclaimed. "He's that dude we fought in the volcano! That was a badass battle! He's in the army now, right?"

"A version of him." She replied

"Right, right. We tend to do that a bit." Robin said. "So, anyway, Sayree-"

"Say'ri." She corrected.

"That's what I said, isn't it?" Robin asked.

"No, you said Sayree. My name is spelled S-A-Y-apostrophe- R-I."

"Oh, like Lon'qu?" Robin asked.

"Yes." She replied. "He is Chon'sin."

"If you were Colette, that would make him Zelos." Robin commented. "Pretty opposite characters."

"I still don't know what you're talking about." Say'ri replied.

"Don't worry about it." Robin said. "Now, you said you were a princess, right? Why are you not there, being, well, a princess?"

"I would, but I am under onus to you, Tactician Robin." She replied.

"Onus…?" Robin said to himself. He suddenly glared at the wall to the left of Say'ri. "Really?! Do you really think anybody is going to get that reference?! Common, man, make it easy!" He looked back at Say'ri. "Sorry about that."

"What just happened?" She asked.

"The author is a comedy nerd, that's what happened." Robin muttered. "Anyway, go do your responsibilities. You're out of onus, or whatever."

"...Very well then." Say'ri said, standing up and leaving the office.

"...Man, I never knew Lon'qu had a sister." Robin said to himself.

Say'ri walked down the hall outside of Robin's office. She was surprised how upset she was about being forgotten about.

"It sucks to be forgotten, doesn't it?"

Say'ri looked over at one of the guards of the castle. At least, she assumed he was a guard. It was a safe assumption to make, considering he was wearing armor.

"...I suppose it does, as you say, 'suck.'" She said to the guard. Her eyes widened slightly in recognition. "I believe I know you. Kellam, correct? You were one of the Shepherds?"

"Y-You remember me?" Kellam asked. "I thought people would forget about me after the war…"

Say'ri smiled at him. "How could someone forget you? You are an skilled ally on the battlefield. I fought with you multiple times, due to my smaller frame. You have saved me many times, and you have my thanks."

"Huh." Kellam said. "I never...noticed you." He blushed slightly. "Do you want to...do something? Catch up on old times."

She nodded. "That would be nice." SHe tilted her head. "Are you not on guard duty, though?"

"Oh, I don't work here." Kellam replied. "I just like to eavesdrop on some of Robin's meetings. They can get pretty insane."

"Interesting." Say'ri said. "Tell me more about it."

"I think I will."

* * *

_I just made this a pairing that would, as far as I know, only work in the context of this story. The two forgotten characters. One by canon and one in gameplay. Seriously, in my opinion, Say'ri is one of the more overlooked units, probably because she doesn't have her own unique child, which is a missed opportunity._

_On an "unrelated" note, I'm probably going to do a conclusion chapter or two after I write a chapter for each unit. You can probably guess what I'm planing, or why this chapter gave me the idea for it._

_Up next: Laurent!_


	26. Laurent

_In my defense, how are you suppose to know that you have to search the town? It disappears!_

* * *

Robin was walking down the halls of the castle, on his way to the throne room, when he ran into a familiar couple.

"Hey, Stahl. Miriel." Robin said, with a nervous smile. "How are you two?"

"Pretty good." Stahl replied with a smile. "We were checking in with Chrom. He wanted to make sure we would help him if a situation were to arise."

"Wow, Stahl." Robin said sarcastically. "I almost listened to that entire sentence."

Stahl frowned. Miriel, however, studied the tactician. "You're aggressive. On the defensive. We haven't done anything to our knowledge that would threaten you. You must know something. Something that you would not want us to know."

"See, Miriel, this is the kind of stuff I told you about." Robin said.

"What about our son, Robin?" Stahl asked.

"W-What do you mean?!" Robin exclaimed.

"We have a son. We know this." Miriel said. "Lucina said we have one."

"Dammit, Lucy." Robin muttered to himself. "OK. Yes. As far as I know, you have a son. I also never said we found all the future children. I never got a straight answer about how many people traveled back in time with Lucina. I suspect there were a few more, considering all the people whose children we didn't find. I suppose time travel can mess with your head."

"But she remembers our son." Stahl said.

"Yeah, but we were at war." Robin replied. "There's no reason for us to deliberately search for your child." He paused for a second. "Actually, since you have so much free time, considering the fact that you don't have a job, you could go out and find him."

"I do not think it is likely for us to find him." Miriel said.

"Well, then just set up an area where you would be easy to find." Robin responded. "This isn't really my problem anymore. We never saw your child die, so, for all we know, he could still be out there." Robin walked away from the couple, shouting, "Good luck with you missing child!" He walked into the throne room.

"...Well, that went well." Stahl commented.

"We still do not know where our son is." Miriel said.

"Well, yeah." Stahl said. "But, I don't think that's our problem as long as we start our own family. If he shows up, he shows up and we welcome him."

"I could point out a few flaws in your logic." Miriel said. "For one thing-"

"SON OF A BITCH, CHROM!" Robin's voice shouted through the hall, out of the throne room. "YOU DON'T JUST TELL SOMEONE THAT!" There was silence, likely Chrom responding. "AND YOU SAW HER DIE?! YOU SHOULD TELL THEM, NOT ME!" A softer voice. "OH, NOW YOU CARE HOW SHE FEELS! I MEAN, REALLY, MAN?! REALLY?!" A female voice spoke up, and Robin's voice quieted down.

Stahl and Miriel looked at each other in silence. The doors swung open, and Lucina walked out, followed by Robin, who was rubbing his cheek.

"Wouldn't it be easier if you did it?" Robin asked his wife. "You actually knew her! They might want to know stuff about their child."

"You are in far more of a position to tell them about their children." Lucina replied. "You're an official, you have more of a standing."

"You're a princess." Robin responded.

"If it makes you feel better, I can tell you as much as I can about her." Lucina said. "I agree with you, though. Father probably should have told us that earlier."

Robin nodded, then looked over at Stahl and Miriel.

"Don't worry about it. Not your kid." He said. "Although I'd assume you would take it better…" He mumbled as he walked away.

"...Miriel?"

"Yes, Stahl?"

"Did I ever tell you how happy I am that I didn't marry into royalty?"

"I would assume you implied that when you married me."

"Yeah. Sure. It bares repeating."

* * *

_So, the setting's a bit different._

_I didn't know how to get Laurent. Stahl and Miriel were married before Lucina joined the team, so I didn't know which of the newly appeared missions was his. _

_If you never find Laurent, that doesn't mean he's dead, per-say. One of the children actually did die in-game. Can you guess who?_

_In other news, I'm on the Fire Emblem TV Troupes FanFic Recs Page! This is awesome! Thank all of you for giving this story far more attention then it deserves!_

_Up next: Brady!_


	27. Brady

_I kinda gave up writing Brady. I never really got a grasp on his speaking patterns._

* * *

"So, wait, are you a priest?" Robin asked Brady.

"Ya." Brady replied defensively. "Why do ya think class? Cause it sounds pretty?"

"No, I mean, are you a priest like Libra?" Robin clarified. "Like, you can do weddings and exorcisms and whatnot."

"What? No!" Brady exclaimed. "I just do healings! Like my ma! Who I heard about! What the hell, punk?!"

"Well, I guess you and your 'ma' are going to have another thing in common." Robin said. "You're fired."

"What?!" Brady exclaimed. "I didn't travel through time just to get laid off!"

"Well, apparently you did." Robin replied. "If you had only pulled your weight, you might have been able to keep your job. But, alas, you are just pretty useless in combat."

"...From what I've heard, you've said that to a bunch of people." Brady said.

"Well, yeah." Robin replied. "A lot of people become obsolete once new people join the army."

"You...you do know you can just re class us, right?" Brady asked.

"Yeah, I know that!" Robin exclaimed. "That's what the master seal is for, right?"

"No, that's in order to level up more." Brady said. "Do you remember the second seals?"

"...Those are the blue ones, right?" Robin asked. "I have a bunch of those saved up!" He pulled out a small chest, loaded with second seals.

"W-Why do you have so many of those?!" Brady exclaimed.

"I dunno." Robin admitted. "I got a bunch of them in battles, but I never really used them. I just thought they were pretty."

"Ya thought they were-?!" Brady exclaimed. "We need those to change our classes!"

"Well, you should have just asked." Robin said, handing Brady one of the seals. "There you go. Be whatever you want."

"Ya have to choose our classes!" Brady exclaimed. "We can't use these by ourselves!"

"Sheesh, !" Robin responded. "You're about two wars too late to explain that one to me!"

"You should know this!" Brady shouted. "You're the one in charge of keeping us alive!"

"Well, forgive me for having amnesia!" Robin exclaimed. "Know what? Let's reclass you!"

"Really?" Brady asked.

"Yes." Robin replied. "I need you to become...a manakete! We need more dragons!"

"That's physically impossible." Brady exclaimed.

"Come on!" Robin exclaimed. "Do we really have to follow the rules of the game? This is a fan fic! Couldn't we just have Nah bit you and turn you into one?"

"That ain't how it works!" Brady exclaimed. "Sides, Nah wouldn't bite me!"

"For Naga's sake, Brady, I don't need to know about your sex life!" Robin exclaimed. "Know what? Fine. I have to reclass you, and it has to be reasonable, right?"

"Yeah!" Brady exclaimed.

"Fine. Dancer." Robin said.

"...What?!" Brady exclaimed.

"You are a dancer now." Robin said.

"Why?!" He asked.

"Why not?" Robin said. "Surely you can dance, can you not?"

"Not like Inigo or his ma!" Brady exclaimed. "I'm out of here! You just some punk who ain't got no respect for me and my folks!"

"Wait, Brady!" Robin exclaimed as Brady began to walk away.

He looked over at the tactician.

"If it means that much to you, we can splurge on the DLC and reclass you as a Bride."

Robin barely dodged the second seal Brady threw at him before storming out of the office.

* * *

_So Robin is both a dick and really bad at his own game! From what I remember, they never really explain how Robin is such a good tactician. I guess maybe he learned about it in a earlier life?_

_No one really explained to me about the second seals in my first playthrough (the basis playthrough for this story.) So, naturally, Robin has no idea about them either._

_Up next: Cynthia!_


	28. Cynthia

_While I was writing this, I had the song "Cynthia's Work Out" kinda stuck in my head. You can blame ichallengemyfate on tumblr for that. Fantastic writer, by the way._

_Anyway, this chapter is kinda long, which is funny, considering how long Sumia's chapter was. On the plus side, you get a good number of Robin rants._

* * *

Robin sat in his office, sipping a cup of tea.

"Wait for it…" He muttered to himself.

The door to his office suddenly burst open in an explosion of flower petals. A pegasus swept into the room, with Cynthia, Robin's sister-in-law, standing on top of it.

"HELLO, WISE TACTITIO-AH!" She shouted, before falling off of the pegasus.

"...Quite an entrance." Robin commented. "I assume all of these petals came from the royal garden?"

"...Maybe…" She muttered, picking herself up.

"I think you may be abusing your powers as a princess." Robin said.

"I gotta do what I gotta do to be a hero!" Cynthia exclaimed.

"Yeah, but you aren't about to fight me." Robin responded. "At least, I hope not."

"So what's this about, anyway?" Cynthia asked.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to fire you." Robin said.

"What?!" Cynthia exclaimed.

"Let me explain." Robin said. "You are insanely reckless in combat. I've had to take into consideration the fact that you will inevitably try to pull of a grand gesture in the beginning or middle of the battle, which is unacceptable. Do you have any idea how close we came to dying that time you showered Chrom with petals? Our archers were useless, some people couldn't see a foot in front of them, and some of our mounts couldn't go into the air! Thank Naga for the Minervas! Also, for some reason, the petels were flammable, so we had to deal with that!"

"I don't remember any of those things!" Cynthia exclaimed.

"That's because you managed to knock yourself out at the beginning!" Robin exclaimed. "It was hellish!"

"Well...Wait." Cynthia thought for a second. "Do I even work for you?"

"Well, yeah!" Robin said. "I'm in charge of the Shepherds! I know who works for me!"

"But I'm a princess!" Cynthia exclaimed. "I looked into it, and none of us kids from the future are actually on the payroll!"

"...Look, you guys just came out of nowhere, so we didn't have any time to enlist you." Robin said. "The Shepherds are basically an élite neighborhood watch. Most of it is volunteer work. However, for some reason, people began to think that people got paid to do it, since it was run by the prince. Chrom decided to start paying people to keep up the illusion, which was pretty stupid of him. You kids were so focused on your mission that you didn't notice that you weren't getting paid. We don't have that money in the budget. That's one of the main reasons I'm firing everyone. That way, none of you will realize that you were never employed."

"...Why are you telling me all of this?" Cynthia asked.

"Because you already know." Robin said.

"No, I just kinda looked at the payroll!" Cynthia exclaimed. "I didn't realize that this was all an elaborate scam!"

"You seem to fall for those a lot." Robin commented.

"I'm never gonna live that down, am I?" Cynthia asked.

"Nope. It was pretty stupid of you." Robin said. "It wasn't even that elaborate."

"I never met Daddy in the future!" Cynthia said in her defense.

"I would assume that you would have checked for a mark or something." Robin said. "At the very least, you would have realized where you got your blue hair."

"Look, you just told me that you were basically pulling one over on all of us kids!" Cynthia exclaimed. "Why did you tell me all of that?"

"I kinda thought you already knew." Robin admitted. "Since you didn't, I'm afraid I'm going to have to do something drastic." Robin sighed. "Name your price."

"Hmm…"Cynthia said, appearing to think. Suddenly, she pointed at Robin. "YOU!"

"...I'm flattered, but you do realize that Lucina would kill both of us." Robin said. "Well, she would kill you, castrate me, and Gerome would feed whatever was left of me to Minerva."

"He wouldn't do anything to me?" Cynthia asked.

"I suspect he would just eat a few tubs of ice cream with Minerva." Robin said.

"Anyway, I didn't mean it like that!" Cynthia exclaimed. "I meant that I want you to join the Justice Cabal!"

"What, you mean you, Owain and Morgan's little club?" Robin said. "Why?"

"Because Morgan is always going on about how awesome you are!" Cynthia exclaimed. "She's always talking about how she wants to be a great tactician just like you!"

"Yeah, she says that a lot, doesn't she?" Robin commented. "Don't you know about Owain's little 'journey?'"

"Yeah!" Cynthia exclaimed. "Originally we were going to go with him-"

"That's unlikely." Robin said. "For one thing, there is no way I would let Morgan go on that wild goose chase. I doubt Yarne would be willing to go along with it, either. And how in Naga's name do you expect to get Gerome to go with you?"

"Oh, don't worry about Gerome." Cynthia said, leaning on the table and twirling a pigtail. "I can be pretty...persuasive, if you know what I mean." She wiggled her eyebrows.

"...You're trying to be sexual, but you're just coming off as adorable." Robin said. "Although, given the fact that I am a good friend of your father, as well as married to your older sister, it's possible that I might just always see you as a younger sister." Robin paused. "Also, let's just say that you definitely defend your position as the loudest Shepherd some nights."

Cynthia's face turned beet red. "I-I-I guess I might overdo it a little…"

"Believe me, at least he's better off than his mom." Robin said. "Anyway, do you want me as a permanent member or is this just a temporary deal?"

"Probably just one outing." Cynthia said. "It's mainly for Morgan, so try to at least pretend you're into it."

Robin smiled a bit. "Fine. For her." He frowned. "Now, if anyone asks about this meeting-"

"I beat you up for being an ungrateful brother-in-law!" Cynthia exclaimed. "Thanks, Robin! See you later!" She exclaimed, skipping through the pile of petals.

"Wait!" Robin exclaimed. "You forgot your pegasus!"

"COME ON, PEGGY!"

The pegasus looked at Robin, took a shit on the floor, and followed after his rider.

"...Maybe I should invest in some renovations…" Robin muttered to himself.

* * *

_Yup. You are probably gonna see that later, in the epilogue part. How could I not?_

_Up next: Inigo!_


	29. Inigo

"Inigo," Robin said to the man sitting across from him. "I have a bone to pick with you, so let's get the official stuff out-of-the-way first. You're fired."

"How could you fire me?!" Inigo exclaimed. "Think of how much the morale will drop if I were to go! Specifically among the ladies!"

"The way you act around women is a PR nightmare just waiting to happen." Robin explained. "I figure it would be better to relieve responsibility of you before you get yourself in too much trouble."

"Am...am I allowed to at least hang out with the others?" Inigo asked.

"...I don't see why not." Robin said. "They're your friends, so I'd assume you spent time with one another anyway."

"Right." Inigo said.

Robin looked at him. "Actually, that thinly disguised expression of loneliness is one of the things I wanted to talk to you about." Robin said. "I'm going to help you pick up women!"

"Really?" Inigo asked, although it was more of a disbelieving tone then a grateful one. "You? What would you know about picking up ladies? I mean, good job with Lucina. She's a catch, but I don't think your methods would work so well the way I intend to use them…"

"Ah, but you didn't know me after the Plegian War!" Robin exclaimed. "I was a bit of a ladies man, back in my day...Which was a few years ago. The way I worded that made me sound pretty old. The thing is, you have so much potential, young padawan. You just have to learn how to use it. And then the pussy will flow!"

"...Ok. Fine." Inigo said. "What's your advice?"

"First, you have a pretty tragic past. Your mother died before she could finish teaching you a dance move. Naga, that sounds like a Disney movie." Robin said. "Also, you dedicated yourself and your personal comfort to making the army happy, which shows that you are caring. Use that."

"I...I don't know how comfortable I would be using my mother's death to pick up chicks" Inigo said.

"Come on!" Robin exclaimed. "I never knew my mother, but you don't hear me bitching about it! When you have an opportunity like that, you should use it! Do you know how many times I used the amnesia pick-up line? 'Hey, girl. I lost my memories. Want help me make some new ones?'"

"...Did that ever work?" Inigo asked.

"As far as I'll let you know, no." Robin said. "I don't know what you might tell Lucina, so I should probably be vague with the success."

"If you're not gonna tell me how successful you were, why should I take your advice?" Inigo asked.

"Because I assume you can jump to your own conclusions!" Robin exclaimed. "Speaking of jumping, dancing. If you show off those dance moves to dancers, and you tell them that you're straight, you will be swimming in it! Believe me!"

"I actually thought of that one." Inigo said. "Here's the problem with that: How do you know that modern dancers are attractive?"

"Well, I assume they're as hot as Olivi-" Robin stopped himself. "Oh."

"Yup. I kinda shocked when I made that connection." Inigo sighed.

"They aren't all your mother, though." Robin said.

"Yeah, but that doesn't stop my mind from making that connection between them." Inigo said.

"You're complaining about mind assumptions?" Robin asked. "My wife is the child of my best friend and exists as a baby in this timeline! I still make passionate love to my wife, regardless of those associations!"

"...Eww." Inigo said. "That might say more about you than it does me."

"...Aren't you married?" Robin realized.

"Yeah. Why?" Inigo asked.

"Why are you taking my advice then?!" Robin exclaimed. "I think both of our wives will kill us if they found out!"

"Well, I was just curious about what advice the 'master tactician' would give me in regard to picking up women!" Inigo exclaimed, defending himself. "Apparently, he has no idea what he's doing!"

"I knew what I was doing!" Robin exclaimed. "All of those other women just didn't know how great of a catch I was!"

"...I don't work for you, right?" Inigo asked. "I think I'm gonna go."

"Ok." Robin said, as the man left his office. "If you ever find yourself single again, remember my advice!" Robin shouted after the man. "DANCER! NO PARENTS!"

* * *

_I kinda want to try to write a different courting from the game for Robin and Lucina. I kinda doubt this Robin has it in him to be that romantic and tactful._

_If you didn't figure it out before, Inigo is married to the surviving child of the two that could be dead. The way she is mentioned could refer to either of the two._

_In other news, we have a contest winner! Tifer correctly guessed that the reference was from The Thrilling Adventure Hour! In case you were wondering, it's a comedy podcast featuring different radio shows. One of the show is Sparks Nevada: Marshal on Mars, which is a western. His sidekick is Croach the Tracker, who often finds himself under onus to people. Nathan Fillion, from Firefly, often appears on the show as Cactoid Jim._

_They've already told me about their Avatar, and I already have a bit of an idea of how the chapter will go._

_Anyway, thank you to everybody who guessed._

_Up next: Gerome!_


	30. Gerome

_Sorry for the delay. I'm in a show, and we're going to be entering tech week in a few weeks, so the updates might slow down a bit. Just a heads up._

* * *

"So, Gerome." Robin said to the masked man. "I see you aren't as...connected to Minerva as your mother is."

"No." Gerome replied.

"I mean, when I called her in here, she brought the dragon in with her." Robin continued.

"I see." Gerome said curtly.

"The hole's still there, if you wanted to bring her into the office." Robin said, pointing to the giant hole in the wall of his office.

"You put drapes over it." Gerome commented.

"Yeah." Robin said. "Apparently, a giant, gaping hole can really mess up your feng shui."

"Did you call me here for a reason?" Gerome asked.

"I think I'm going to have to let you go." Robin said. "But, the thing is, I don't want you to disappear on us."

"What do you mean?" Gerome asked.

"Well, you kinda have a stick up your ass about the whole 'don't mess with the past' thing." Robin explained. "You guys did a really stand up job with that one, by the way. What were you really expecting? The only way you could not mess with the future would be to watch all of your loved ones die at the hands of a giant dragon god me thing. As you watched all of this, would you just smile to yourself and say 'job well done?'"

"At least I didn't marry the being that we were sent to kill." Gerome commented.

Robin clenched his fist, but continued to smirk at the wyvern rider.

"Why are you still wearing that mask, anyway?" Robin asked. "Is it some kind of fetish of Cynthia's? It seems like it. I remember before you guys started dating. You seemed to be either so oblivious or so in the friend zone. Either way, it was hilarious! You know, you should really take up after her. You should go into battle, shouting inane things about justice. Actually, you don't seem like the kind of guy to shout about justice. Maybe you could just shout about how awesome you are. Warn your enemies that you will strike them as suddenly as the night drapes across the land!...Or, you know, just paraphrase that."

"You want me to tell them that I am the night?" Gerome asked.

"Ha!" Robin laughed out loud. "Got you to say it! Which is good, because I was about one comment away from tearing that mask off of your face and shoving it so far up your ass you'd have to call it that Bat Cave."

Gerome's eyes widened in surprise at the tactician. "I don't see how that could upset you. You and Lucina joke about Grima all the time."

"It's still kinda a sensitive subject." Robin responded. "It's one of those things only we can talk about. Although I will give you points for at least trying to make a joke. Took a lot of guts to step out of your comfort zone. Just, you know, watch it."

"Understood." Gerome said. "I shouldn't make the comment about Morgan and Yarne, should I?"

"You should not." Robin replied. He pause for a second. "And I think I might stop it with the Batman analogy. If you're Batman, I wish I could say that would make Inigo Robin, but I'm already Robin…He would pull off the shorts better…" He mumbled to himself.

"You lost me." Gerome commented.

"Right." Robin said. "As I was saying, you're fired, because I think you're too much of a lone wolf to help the Shepherds."

"...No offence, Robin, but that sounds…" Gerome struggled for the word.

"Like bullshit?" Robin finished for him. "Yeah, it kinda is. Although I don't really think it would matter to you, since you seem like the kinda guy who would already be planning on quitting the team."

Gerome gasped again. "H-How did you-?"

"Master. Tactician." Robin said, tapping his head, before continuing. "Anyway, I get that and give you my blessing. Now, since I'm a tad curious about one of the more dysfunctional couples of our group, how are your folks?"

"...They are not my real parents." Gerome said.

"DARKNESS!" Robin shouted. "NO PARENTS!" He looked at Gerome. "...Sorry. Had to. It's a great movie. You were saying?"

"...They appear to be in counseling." Gerome said. "I don't want to know the full details about what put a strain on their marriage, but I know it has something to do with candy and Minerva. Although it might be something darker than that, since mot-Cherche asked me if she could borrow the future Minerva. Nothing was wrong with the present version, but she said she wanted to experiment with something."

"...Ew." Robin said. "I was gonna harp on you for not calling her mother, but that mental image...Naga, save me!"

"Should I take my leave?" Gerome asked, standing up. "I have business to attend to."

"Sure. I've had my fun." Robin replied. "Now go. Gotham need you."

Gerome looked like he was about to respond, then sighed. "...Nevermind." he said,, leaving the office.

"...I feel like I got what I needed." Robin said. "He seems less likely so sick the wyvern on me, so that's a plus."

* * *

_I made as many Batman jokes as I could think of. Hope it was good._

_Internet, how has nobody drawn a picture of Gerome and Inigo as Batman and Robin? It's almost as disappointing as the lack of a picture of Smaug and Bilbo as Sherlock and Watson._

_Up next: Morgan! And a bit of a change of scenery to match._


	31. Morgan

_So I'm back, which is good. But I'm only here to tell you I'm going on more of a break, which is bad._

_I'm in a show, and tech week starts friday, so I'll basically be living at school. I figured I'll have to put off writing to keep up with my school work._

_That said, there is a chance I could delay this till the end of March, when I go on service, which means I don't really have any school work._

_In order to make up for this, I give you a glimpse into Robin's home life. The joke with Morgan isn't really addressed, but I hope it's apparent._

* * *

Most people would find it weird, living with their in-laws. However, there were several differences with Robin's situation and the general situation of those who find themselves in that position.

For one thing, at worst, it would mean Robin would be roommates with one of his best friends. He didn't have any memories of growing up, so Robin liked to think this would be what college would have been like. That is, if it were not for the fact that both of them were married, thus making the possibility of them partying like bros unlikely.

To be honest, Chrom was kinda a stick in the mud about those general thing. Robin could probably party with Vaike, but he detested Vaike, so that was a no go.

Anyway, the other problem was the fact that Robin was married to Chrom's daughter. Apparently, there were no situations that could not be made more awkward through time travel.

Then Morgan came along and Robin decided that the normal family structure could basically go fuck itself.

Anyway, in short, since they were royalty, Robin and his family lived in a generous area of the castle. At first, Robin though it somewhat isolated them from the rest of society, but then he remembered that he didn't really like that many other people.

In any case, Robin was relaxing in his office, doing what he always did when he was alone: plan out his zombie plan.

"The Barracks would probably be the best place to hold down. We could scavenge the city for food and, as soon as we can, head out to the countryside. Maybe we could chill with Donny. I should probably recruit most of the future kids into my group, since the have the most experience dealing with zombies." Robin said to himself. "...Right. Risen. Zombies are real. This is an real thing I'm doing. I don't like that."

Robin's thoughts were interrupted by loud footsteps, which were moving quickly down the stairs next to his study. He saw a blur of short blue hair run past his open office door.

"Wait." Robin said out loud. The footsteps stopped and slowly began to back up. Morgan poked her head into her father's office. She smiled at her father.

"Hello, Father!" She exclaimed. "I want to be a great tactician, just like you!"

"That's nice, dear." Robin said. "What do you think of zombies?"

"Work to secure the castle." Morgan said, as if she had already thought it all through. "Try to get as many of the Shepherds as you can. Kellam would be important in sneaking past the zombies on scouting missions."

Robin though this over. His daughter had a better standing with the Shepherd then he did. He did save them numerous times, and he was pretty sure, if there were a zombie attack, they would all come running to him. However, now that Robin was airing out all his dirty laundry with the other with the whole firing thing, he wasn't on the greatest of grounds with everybody.

He didn't mind. He was friends with the Shepherds he liked, and hated the ones that hated him. It was nice to be on the same terms with people.

"...I've put too much thought into this." Robin sighed. "I think I might need another war, dear."

"Father!" Morgan exclaimed. "Don't say things like that! I want to be a great tactician, just like you, but not if it means putting lives on the line!"

"I'm joking!" Robin exclaimed. "...Maybe."

"Anyway, father, I'd love to chat, but I have to go meet with Yarne!" Morgan exclaimed, with a smile. She began to skip out of the room.

"Hold it." Robin said sternly. "Are you really going out like that?"

"What do you mean, father?" Morgan asked. "Is there something wrong with my dress?"

"Why aren't you wearing your cloak?" Robin asked.

Morgan huffed in annoyance. "Father, I don't have to wear that all the time!" She exclaimed. "I want to be a great tactician, just like you, but I'm also still a woman!"

"You're also still my daughter, and no daughter of mine is going out dressed like that!" Robin exclaimed.

"Ugh!" Morgan exclaimed, stomping up the steps. "I want to be a great tactician, just like you!" She shouted angrily at Robin.

"Put your cloak on!" Robin shouted back. "If he fell in love with you while you were wearing it, he shouldn't mind you still wearing it!"

Morgan angrily stomped back down the stairs, her tactician's cloak wrapped around her.

"I want to be a great tactician just like you!" She shouted at him angrily, before storming out of the door.

Robin sighed. "I suppose she has to go through her defiant teenage phase. Are you just going to listen in?" He said out loud.

"...I figured you two were having a bit of a moment." Lucina said, walking into the room.

"Don't lie." Robin said. "You two are closer in age then I am. I'm an old man!"

Lucina giggled. "To be fair, I was perfectly prepared to see you as an uncle figure before you began courting me."

"Well, that's not weird." Robin said sarcastically. "Anyway, I wouldn't worry about the age thing. This is the age where teenage girls begin to connect to their mothers, so you're actually in a pretty good place for that." Robin chuckled to himself. "Maybe you could both bitch about your young fathers."

"I'm not going to lie: I've had similar conversations with Father." Lucina admitted.

"Oh, I've heard." Robin said. "If you had to win any of those arguments, why did you have to win the one that let you wear you Falchion under your wedding dress. What did you think was going to happen?"

"Well," Lucina said. "If we were attacked-"

"We would have been in a chapel full of some of the greatest warriors in the kingdom." Robin said. "Not that I'm complaining. There's nothing I find sexier than an armed woman."

"I'll keep that in mind." Lucina said.

"For the record, I already know what your zombie plan is, if you heard that much of the conversation." Robin said.

"Oh?" Lucina said.

"Travel back in time with the purpose of stopping the invasion, bring some zombies with you, and seduce the dragon-ish guy that creates the zombies." Robin said with a cheeky grin.

Lucina smiled, and lovingly put her hands on his neck. "That's not all of it." She said. She leaned in and whispered in his ear. "When he's comfortable, I'll slit his throat in his sleep, when he least expects it." She grinned as she kissed him on the cheek, and walked out of the room.

"..." Robin stood there, watching her walk away."...That turned me on more than it should have." He looked over at his desk. "This work means nothing." He ran off after his wife. "Don't call me Uncle!" He shouted after her.

Robin later would wonder if Chrom would let him slide on the late work if he explained he was simply banging his daughter.

Not that he gave a shit, at the time.

* * *

_So I hope that holds you over. My brain is kinda mush, so it might not be as good as it could have been._

_Up next (eventually): Severa!_


	32. Severa

_Hey, I'm back! The play went great! On with the show!_

_I'MSORRY__I'MSORRY__I'MSORRY__I'MSORRY__I'MSORRY_

* * *

"Lonny! Cordelia!" Robin exclaimed. "Fancy seeing you two around here!"

"...You invited us." Cordelia said. She was sitting next to her husband and across from Robin, whose office they were in.

"Don't call me Lonny." Lon'qu grumbled.

"Right. Right. I did, didn't I?" Robin said. "Ok. Might as well get this over with. So, there's good news and bad news." Robin explained. "Which do you want to hear first?"

"I would prefer to hear the bad news." Cordelia said. "That way, we can leave feeling uplifted by the good news."

"I have no preference." Lon'qu said.

"Right." Robin said, scratching his head uncomfortably. "Ok, so…Wait. That won't work."

"What?" Lon'qu asked the tactician.

"I actually have to tell you the good news first. That bad news wouldn't make any sense without you first knowing the good news." Robin explained. "I probably should have said that from the start."

"Ok then. Tell us the good news." Cordelia said.

"Alright." Robin sighed. "Let's get this over with...You remember that time a bunch of kids from an apocalyptic future traveled back in time to change the course of fate?"

"...I recall it." Lon'qu replied plainly.

"Well, funny thing is, it turns out that, well, one of them was your daughter." Robin stuttered.

Cordelia's eye's lit up. "I have a daughter?" She asked, turning to her husband. "Lon'qu, you don't think-?"

"Let the man finish." Lon'qu said. "You mentioned bad news?"

"Right...Right!" Robin exclaimed. "So, it turns out our good Exalt crossed paths with her at some point over our journey. She wanted to help some dude she knew, I don't know. The specifics of the plot allude me. Anyway, she refused Chrom's help, rushed into battle by herself and…well…" Robin trailed off.

"...She died, didn't she?" Cordelia said, looking down.

"...I wish I could give you some better news. I have a daughter myself, so I can't imagine how it must feel to lose-"

"That was phenomenally stupid of her." Lon'qu commented.

"...What?" Robin said.

Cordelia raised her head. "I was just about to say that." She added. She didn't appear to be crying.

"But...your daughter…" Robin stuttered.

"I think that a family connection with children of a different time can only be formed if you meet them." Lon'qu said.

"I agree." Cordelia said. "While I feel sorry for the poor girl, the fact of the matter is that she made a poor call in combat. I'm sure that, if I were in a motherly relationship with her, I would be much more distressed."

"...Wait." Robin said. "You're taking the news of finding out you have a child pretty well. You don't mind that you never met her…" His eyes widened. "Congratulations, you two! When's it due?"

Cordelia's eyes widened in surprise. "H-how did you-"

"Don't-!" Lon'qu interrupted.

"Master." Robin said, tapping his head. "Tactician."

Lon'qu signed. "Never mind." He said. "Do we assume it's a girl?"

"I...don't really know." Robin replied. "Given how all this time travel stuff works, as well as how random genetics actually are, the child could turn out completely different than expected."

"I'd be fine with her being a girl." Cordelia smiled.

"...I suppose I could make it work." Lon'qu said.

"Sheesh, Lonny. I don't think you're little problem would cause you to have trouble with your daughter, right?" Robin asked.

"Of course it wouldn't." Lon'qu said.

"Good." Robin said, as he took out a piece of paper. "Now, I figured I should give you a heads up on a few things about the daughter, Severa-"

"That's her name?" Cordelia asked.

"You can change it if you want." Robin said. "It's your kid."

"No. Severa...I like it!" Cordelia smiled.

"Stable time loop complete." Robin muttered to himself. "I questioned some of the past kids about her. I think the two main things you should look out for is spoiling her and mommy issues."

"Mommy issues?" Cordelia asked, frowning. "What do I do?"

"Well, from what I gathered, it's pretty hard having to live up to your standard. Or, that is, the expectations other people set for her because you were her mother." Robin said. "She apparently becomes bitter because of this. So, yeah, she's a bit of a spoiled daddy's girl."

Lon'qu glared at him. "Did they only slander her memory?" He asked threateningly.

Robin looked at him with a blank expression. "...You know, as somebody who has been a victim of the overprotective dad face as well as a user of it, I gotta say, you really settled into the role of overprotective father pretty quickly. The spoiling thing might be unavoidable…And they said good things. I just assumed you wanted to know some of the bad things" Robin admitted. "You can ask the time-displaced dysfunction junction about her."

"Well, if we don't have to focus on a Risen army, I could put more effort into making sure little Severa knows she's loved and unique." Cordelia said.

"We do not know if it is a she." Lon'qu mentioned.

"I like the idea of her being a girl." Cordelia replied. "Is that everything, Robin?"

"Oh. Yeah. Right." Robin said, surprised. "This actually went a lot better than I thought it would. Good luck with the baby!" Robin paused for a second. "...Wait...Was it conceived…?"

"Don't think about it too much." Lon'qu stated, his face turning a deep red.

"We tipped Cinnamon quite a bit!" Cordelia exclaimed, smiling at Robin.

"...I usually have a witty comment at this point, but I really can't think of anything." Robin admitted. "Now get out of here, you crazy sex person!...and Lon'qu." Robin said.

The happy couple left Robin's office.

"...Hmm. It's interesting how relationships started during the war change during peace times." Robin reflected to himself. "I think the normalist couple would be the good old royal family…Time travel kinda fucks with everything."

* * *

_This is all Severa's fault. I assumed she would work like all the other kids and join you after you had Chrom talk to them. She just ran ahead of me and died. _

_Up next: Noire!_


	33. Noire

_Considering the reaction to the last chapter, I should clarify something about Robin: This is my first play-through Robin. I didn't use any FAQs or anything, I just wanted to experience the game. I am also not a tactical genius. I find it funny how everybody will always see Robin as a tactical gift sent from Naga when sometimes he isn't. I kinda changed his character in this story to reflect this. _

_That said, after playing the game, I looked into Laurent and Severa. I like them. Keep that in mind._

* * *

Robin stared at the young woman sitting across from him. She was quivering under his gaze. Robin would compare her quivering to something, but anything it could be compared to would make the scene much darker than it actually was.

"...Noire?" Robin asked cautiously.

"Um...Y-yes, Robin?" Noire stuttered.

"What the hell did your mother do to you?" Robin asked. "I could just ask her, but it's been harder to find her since she stopped stalking me." He paused. "See, if she was hiding in here, she would have come out. I'm actually missing the crazy witch a bit."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Noire said. "You...you already know what my mother used to do to me…"

"Yes, I know that." Robin replied. "But what caused the alternate personality?"

"I-It's just me getting a-a little braver!" Noire exclaimed.

"Bullshit." Robin retorted. "All you future kids have some messed up mental things. There's always something that messes you up. I'm pretty sure the combination of Tharja's…interesting parenting skills and the whole 'dead parents, doomed world' situation you kids were in that broke your mind. You claim that it's a different part of your mind, but I believe that it's a completely different personality altogether."

"H-How do you think you can prove that?" Noire asked.

"Well, I just have to piss you off to draw out the other persona." Robin replied. "By the way, you're fired for being a pussy. Am I right about the alternate personality thing?"

"INSOLENCE!" She screamed at him, her entire demeanor changing into a much more aggressive one.

"And you're fired for being too uncontrollable." Robin said. "Now, was I correct about the split persona thing?"

"BLOOD AND THUNDER!" She shouted. "You're pulling the facts straight out of your mortal hind, but that doesn't make them any less true!"

"I knew it!" Robin exclaimed. "Now the reason I knew that, Noire, is that I AM A MASTER-"

"SILENCE!" She exclaimed. "My name is not Noire! Noire is a whimpering coward! I am a bloodthirsty warrior! You may call me...NORIE!"

"...Noire?" Robin asked, after a pause.

"NORIE!" She shouted.

"That's what I said. Noire." Robin said.

"NORIE, MORTAL!" Norie shouted.

"Can you spell that out?" Robin asked.

Her demeanor changed again, into it's original timid stance. "She's N-O-R-I-E. I'm N-O-I-R-E. S-Sorry about her." Noire said. "She's a bit...aggressive."

She changed again. "BLOOD AND THUNDER, COWARD! SILENCE YOUR TONGUE." Norie shouted

Noire, who was usually pretty timid, stood her ground against...herself. "He asked an obvious question!" Noire responded. "I'm just being polite."

"WE SHALL SEE WHO IS THE POLITE ONE WHEN I SWIM IN A POOL FULL OF YOUR ORGANIC FLUIDS!" Norie shouted.

"Um...Aren't they your organs, too?" Noire asked

"Ew." Robin said. He decided to keep quiet. Usually, he would talk to the recently unemployed Shepherd, but Noire...Norie...she seemed to be keeping herself entertained. He decided this was a good time to step in. "Look, do you two need any help, or do you think you can...figure ourselves out on your own?"

"I WILL EAT YOU!" Norie exclaimed.

"Y-Y-You will do no such thing!" Noire countered. "We'll be good, Robin. I was thinking of opening up a bakery."

"Oh." Robin smiled. "How pleasant."

"OF BLOOD!" Norie exclaimed

"Less pleasant." Robin remarked.

"There will be no blood involved with the bakery." Noire said.

"BUT I WANT THERE TO BE!" Norie shouted.

"I know you don't like the bakery idea , but-" Noire said, but was interrupted by...herself.

"OWAIN WOULD NOT WANT TO SETTLE DOWN!" Norie shouted.

"I suppose you're right." Noire admitted. "Although he does seem to enjoy our treats."

"AND OUR BREASTS!" Norie added.

"Y-Y-Y-Yes…" Noire stuttered, her face turning red. "I...I guess so."

"THE HAND OF THE BLADE SHALL REAP THROUGH THE BLOOD AND THUNDER OF OUR-" Norie shouted.

"I'm gonna stop you right there." Robin interrupted. "It sounds like this conversation has absolutely nothing to do with me anymore, and that it contains much more information than I wanted. Good luck with all of that, and I hope to see you around, Noire. You're a nice girl. Norie...not so much…"

"T-Thank you, Robin!" Noire said. "Please stop by when my bakery opens, if it ever does." She stood up and bowed her head.

Her expression changed when her head rose back up. "Count your days, spawn of Grima." Norie hissed, backing out of the office.

"Why do I always leave these meetings knowing more about their sex lives?" Robin said to himself. "I didn't even ask that time…"

* * *

_Was this entire bit inspired by my difficulty spelling Noire's name? Yes._

_Also, shout-out to the contest winner, Tifer. A few chapters ago, I mentioned that nobody has drawn any pictures of Gerome and Inigo as Batman and Robin. Well, guess what they drew:_

_www. deviantart art/Dress-up-Party-439154395 (Delete the spaces next to the dots.)_

_So yeah, that's pretty awesome!_

_Anyway, up next: Nah!_


	34. Nah

_A guest reviewer had a fair point about the context and original promise of this story, so, in a way to keep it vague for those of you who are just skipping around the chapters, be on the look out, after the main decruitments are over, for extra chapters. The canon extra chapters will be refered to as paralogues and the out of canon ones will be refered to as xenologues. You'll know them when you see them._

* * *

"Nah." Robin asked the girl/woman/dragon in front of him.

"Yes?" She replied.

"Nah." Robin said. "Nah Nah Nah."

"What?" Nah asked, confused.

"Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah." Robin began to sing. "Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah BATMAN!" He exclaimed, pumping a fist into the air.

"...Should I just leave?" Nah asked, irritated at the tactician.

Robin laughed to himself. "No, no. I just really wanted to do that. I haven't mentioned Batman in a while. Author notes don't count."

"Is that that thing you're always talking to Gerome about?" Nah asked.

"Just be glad I didn't go with 'Land of 1,000 Dances." Robin said. "We would be here awhile. So anyway, you wanted to chat?"

"Yes." Nah replied. "I wanted to ask you about why you fired my mother."

"Because…" Robin paused. "I forget. Hold on a second." He pulled out a notebook from his desk. "This has all my firing reasons in it. Let's see here…" He paged through the book. "Too dangerous, too crazy, is an asshole...Oh!" He exclaimed. "Here we go! Nowi! Dress code violations and immaturity!"

"That seems stupid." Nah said. "I mean, I'd agree with you about the immaturity thing, but you shouldn't have fired her for being distracting to others, which I assume was the problem."

"It wasn't exactly distracting." Robin clarified. "Lucina as Marth was distracting. Nowi's dress apparel was disturbing, considering the age she physically appears to be."

"My father didn't seem to mind." Nah said.

"Your father…" Robin trailed off.

* * *

"Nya-ha!" Henry exclaimed. "I love blood and all, but, if you don't stop bleeding, I'll cut you! Again!"

You don't need any context

* * *

"Let's not talk about your father." Robin said quickly.

"Suit yourself." Nah said. "My point is, why would you fire my mother but not fire me?"

"Nah." Robin said.

"You're not starting another song, are you?" Nah asked the tactician.

"Nope." Robin replied. "I just wanted to say that I have absolutely no reason to fire you. You seem pretty stable, and you can turn into a dragon."

"Yeah, but I'm distracting." Nah replied.

"How are you distracting?" Robin asked. "If you're gonna say it's because you're young, well, you can turn into a dragon. People know you can take care of yourself."

"No." Nah said. "People will be distracted by how sexy I am."

Robin stared at the girl. "...What?" He asked.

"See?!" Nah exclaimed. "You're acting weird now because you just realized how beautiful I am!"

"What?" Robin repeated.

"I'm flattered, Robin, but Lucina is one of my closest friends! I would hate to destroy her trust! And her family! And Morgan! Morgan would hate me!" She continued ranting.

"What are you talking about?" Robin asked, but Nah ignored him.

"Brady would want to fight you over my honor, but I'm pretty sure you would beat him! Picture me. Nah the homewrecker. Maybe I could write a book."

"NAH!" Robin exclaimed. "What the hell are you talking about?!"

"I'm talking about how you're planning on cheating on your loving wife and destroying both of our families in a torrid affair." Nah replied. "Duh."

"...Why do you think any of that is going to happen?" Robin asked. He wasn't exactly sure how to approach this situation.

"Because you are clearly attracted to me so much you can barely control yourself." Nah said. "I can make this easier for you, Robin." She said, standing up. "I'm leaving the Shepherds. That way, we can have our distance and you can get over your attraction."

"...Um. Ok then." Robin said. Nah got out of her chair and walked toward the door.

She turned around to face Robin. "Are you sure this is what you want?"

"I...I guess?" Robin said. "I'm a bit lost."

"We all are." Nah said dreamily. "Love is an ocean, and sometimes the waves threaten to overturn each of our boats. We must stay vigilant, Robin. Each of us have our own boats. We are not each others shipmates, my friend. Goodbye." She walked out the door.

"...Crap" Robin remarked to himself. "I didn't do the 'na-na-na-na-hey-hey-hey-goodbye thing! I was really looking forward to that...Also, did I just have an affair?"

* * *

_Robin's complaint at the end of this chapter was one I genuinely had with myself. I suppose you can't get everything._

_I paired Nah off with Brady, so this is kinda based off of the tone of the their S-rank support. If you think it's too out of character, I understand. _

_Henry cameo is a Henry cameo_

_Up next: Yarne! This should be good._


	35. Yarne

_I'm starting to notice my most insane ideas come when I'm not really trying._

_Anyway, here's Yarne._

* * *

Robin glared at the young taguel seated across from bunny-man was sweating bullets as Robin looked down at a piece of paper on his desk.

"Well, you're fired." Robin said.

"What?!" Yarne exclaimed. "W-Why?!"

"I honestly don't know." Robin said, much to Yarne's surprise. "Looking over your file now, you seem to have some skills that we really could use."

"R-Really?" Yarne asked nervously.

"Yup." Robin replied. "Especially your ability to turn into a giant cat."

"Thanks!" Yarne exclaimed, smiling nervously. "I-Wait. I turn into a giant bunny, not a cat."

"Really?" Robin asked, looking back at the piece of paper. "Because it says here that you're a huge pussy."

"..." Yarne stared blankly at the tactician. "Is...is this because I date Morgan? Because, in my defense, she was the one who did all the heavy lifting in this relationship!"

"..." Robin glared at the taguel, who shrank under his gaze in fear. "First off, no. This has nothing to do with your relationship with my daughter. I treat everybody with the same brutal honesty and, I'll admit, dickishness I'm treating you with. You really are being fired for being a pussy. Also, the 'last of your kind' thing is actually a pretty valid excuse to back out of combat. doesn't make you any less of a pussy, but still."

"O-Oh." Yarne said nervously. "Thank you, Mr. Robin, sir! I-"

"Don't call me Mr. Robin." Robin said. "That's not my name. That's my first name. It's stupid of you to think that's my last name. I would assume you would know the last name of the girl you are dating. By the way, yes, it is pretty obvious that she spearheaded your relationship. The only reason Morgan would be dating someone like you would be if she really wanted to."

"Hey!" Yarne exclaimed. "I take offence to that!"

Robin glared at him.

"This seems pretty bias…" Yarne mumbled. "Both of you have amnesia, so neither of you know your last names…"

"Say what you will." Robin replied. "Now, even though I'm no longer your employer, I'm still the father of the girl you're dating." He folded his hands over his desk and glared at Yarne. "What are your intentions with my girl?"

"Marriage, sir." Yaren quickly replied, much to his and Robin's surprise.

"What?" Robin asked quickly.

"Uh.." Yarne exclaimed. "I said that without thinking about it! But…" He paused for a second. "...Yeah. Marriage."

"...Your hesitation doesn't exactly fill me with confidence…" Robin remarked.

"Well, we can talk about that. We're both here. Kill two birds with one stone, right?" Yarne asked nervously.

"I think I might want to get Lucina in on this." Robin said.

"Oh!" Yarne replied. "I already talked to her about it!"

"...Really?" Robin asked.

"Yup. She said that she trusted me with Morgan, since she believed that Morgan could fend for herself if worse came to worse. She recommended I talk to you, since she said you might be a harder sell." He said."Don't get mad at her!" Yarne added quickly.

"I won't." Robin replied. "Actually, I have to admit, I can kinda relate to you about having to go up to a friend and ask for their daughter's hand in marriage." Robin paused for a second. "What exactly did Lucina say to you, when she inevitably threatened you?"

"How did you know that?" Yarne asked, surprised.

"She's her father's daughter." Robin replied.

"Oh." Yarne said. "Well, she-"

"Also," Robin interrupted. "Master Tactician."

"...Yeah, well, she said that, if I hurt Morgan, she would...uh, 'make it much more difficult for me to save my race from extinction'." Yarne said nervously. "Her words, not mine."

"...Huh." Robin commented. "That's funny. Chrom basically did the same thing to me."

"Really?" Yarne asked.

"Yeah, although he was a bit more subtle about it. He 'casually' reminded me that the Falchion was the sharpest blade in existence. He was using it to cut a sausage at the time." Robin said. "He probably could have been a bit more subtle."

"So, what you're saying is that Lucina's Chrom in this situation?" Yarne asked.

"...Oh Naga." Robin realized. "That makes me Sumia."

"Was...Was Sumia by any chance more open to your relationship?" Yarne asked nervously.

"A bit more passive aggressive, actually. Oh, don't get me wrong." Robin said. "Chrom and Sumia were both happy with Lucina and I. I just kinda assumed I would get to be the threatening one in this relationship."

"Oh...Does that mean you're...OK with this?" Yarne asked timidly.

"..." Robin glared at the bunny man, who gulped nervously.

He sighed. "...I'm gonna have fuzzy grandchildren." He admitted.

"R-Really?!" Yarne exclaimed.

"Quick rule of thumb about all of this." Robin quickly said. "You hurt her in any way, shape or form, and I end you. You make her cry, I make you cry…which actually wouldn't be that difficult. Pussy, remember?"

"Yes, sir!" Yarne exclaimed.

"I guess I kinda see a little of myself in you, to be honest." Robin admitted. "Even though you are a pussy and whatnot, I'm sympathetic to your situation."

"Yes, sir." Yarne said. He stood up to leave, but Robin spoke up.

"Also, I don't want any more 'mounted combat' until after you're married." Robin ordered.

"W-What are you talking about?!" Yarne exclaimed, a blush covering his face.

"I'll be frank." Robin said. "No being inside my daughter until after you're married. You lost points for making me say that, by the way."

"...A-Actually," Yarne muttered, blush still on his face. "I...I was never inside her, but-"

"This conversation is over." Robin quickly interrupted him. "A rabbit's foot isn't that lucky when it's in your mouth."

"Right." Yarne muttered, before quickly walking out of the office. He turned and smiled at Robin. "Thank you, Robin."

"Take care of her, Yarne." Robin replied earnestly. The taguel left his office. "...Well, I for one am getting plastered." Robin pulled a flask out from his desk. He paused, and pulled out a full bottle of wine. "This should do it."

* * *

_That went a bit more peacefully than most of you expected. I might just be speaking for myself, and I wrote it._

_Up next: ...Um...I want to say...Kelly? No, no...um...Well, you guys know who I'm talking about._


	36. Kjelle

_Sorry for the delay. I just discovered Half-Life 2 and that's kinda been distracting me. Also, I just started my work at a service site with my school. _

* * *

"Man, my head hurts…" Robin muttered to himself. He had invited Chrom over to his office after his meeting with Yarne. They got drunk together, relating stories and feelings about their friends hooking up with their daughters. It didn't didn't matter that Robin happened to be the friend that hooked up with Chrom's daughter. They still had their fun.

That said, apparently the royal family can hold their booze better than those with the blood of the Fell Dragon. One has to wonder what that says about Naga…

"I probably shouldn't have pre-gamed before I met up with Chrom…" Robin groaned.

"Yeah." The armored woman sitting across from him agreed. "I try not to get too drunk when I drink. You never know when you need to be aware."

Robin slowly glared at the woman.

"...Who the fuck are you?" Robin asked, an annoyed expression on his face.

"Kjelle, sir." Kjelle said.

"Am I suppose to know who that is?" Robin asked.

"I'm Sully's daughter?" Kjelle said, trying to jog his memory.

"Sully had a daughter?" Robin asked. "I thought she was like that ninja chick or Anna, not having future children. That would mean you're Valke's daughter, given the fact they're married and you have his hair. Have you ever noticed how you kids always have your father's hair? Genetics are very specific like that. The only exceptions is Morgan, my girl…" Robin groaned. "My engaged girl. I need another drink…" He grabbed his head in pain. "No, I don't…"

"Ahem." Kjelle coughed, getting Robin's attention.

"Oh, right." Robin said plainly. "Still don't remember you."

"I'm a great fighter, even for a woman." Kjelle said.

"Yeah, so are Sully, Miriel, Panne, Anna, Cordelia, Now I, Tharja, Cherche, Lucina, Say-say or whatever her name was, and countless others. Need I go on?" Robin asked. "It's great that you're a powerful woman and all, but around these parts, that doesn't exactly make you unique. Being strong isn't a characteristic. If you weren't strong, you wouldn't be here, would you?"

"I don't really know what you're getting at…" Kjelle said.

"Oh, that has nothing to do with you." Robin said. "Well, it kinda does. It's more of the author having a problem with your characterization in the game, but we'll get to that in a second. What's your unique thing?"

"What do you mean?" Kjelle asked.

"You're a member of Lucina's Sexy, Dysfunctional Time Travel Squad." Robin said. "Owain has a crazy hand, Norie...no...Noire…well, she has a messed up mind, Gerome's Batman, etc. What's your thing?"

"Umm…" Kjelle thought. "Well, I like to fight, and I really like armor."

"Oh, really?" Robin asked sarcastically. "You like armor. As opposed to…?" He thought for a second. "Well, actually, as opposed to your father. And a lot of the army, really, including the fucking Exalt. One covered shoulder isn't going to change much. Congratulations, that one sholder is going to be safe from attack. But I digress. We'll get to the good king when we get to him."

"Why did you call this meeting if you forgot about me?" Kjelle asked.

"That's a really good question." Robin replied. "I honestly thought I was done with all you kids after Yarne. I thought I was doing the Khans next. I really honestly forgot about you. Are you sure you aren't Kellem's kid? He's pretty sneaky, so you never know. I mean, really, if Kellem and Say-whatever had a kid, that kid would be you, because of how forgettable you are."

"No offence sir," Kjelle said annoyed. " but did you only want to meet with me to bitch at me, or are we actually going to talk about something important? Sir." She added.

"Kelly-"

"Kjelle, asshole." Kjelle corrected. "Sorry. Asshole, sir."

"Ok then, Kjelle," Robin said carefully, smirking a bit. "If you were this edgy during the war, I might have remembered you a bit more. I mean, one of your main characteristics is that you like to fight. Do you understand how unoriginal that is? You're a soldier, no shit you like to fight. Otherwise, we would know about how much you hate it."

Kjelle glared at him.

"Sorry." Robin admitted. "I just wanted to add that in there. Anyway, we no longer need your services, so get out."

"Happily!" Kjelle exclaimed, storming out of the office.

"...Ouch…" Robin grabbed his head. "Why did she have to shout so loud…Could be worse: Severa could have been the one that survived." Robin grinned. "Yeah, send all your complaints to the player. I'll just stay here and laugh."

* * *

_So not only is Robin a dick, but he's also a troll._

_A bit more on the monologue/fourth wall side here, as well as a surprising amount of foreshadowing. I didn't really think there was much I could do with Kjelle. I think she was probably the character they ran out of ideas with when they were making the kids. _

_Also, I'm done with the second-gen characters. Party! Some of the following chapters are grouped together characters, mainly because they revolve around the same joke and it would be better to have these characters play off each other as opposed to just Robin._

_Up next: The Khans!_


End file.
